Survivor: The Reunion Show (Episode 1716)

An employee once said to me, "Ran, honey, you're not anti-conflict -- you're harmony-driven!" That's a nice spin, don't you think? The truth is that I'll go far, far out of my way to avoid conflict, even conflict in which I'm not actively involved. So watching the reunion show, with its emphasis on Randy, Corinne, Kenny, and that goshdarndadblamedomgjustletitgo chocolate chip cookie, is akin to torture. Oh, the things I do for money you, my dear readers.

When we join the celebration already in progress, Jeff has traded out his sunscreen shirt for a nice little black number. He starts with Bob, which is big of him, since you can tell Jeff is just itching to get to the more controversial nuggets. Bob says he tried to be "necessary, friendly." I'd say he accomplished both of those goals. Of course, kicking the young whippersnappers' collective asses in challenge after challenge also helped. Jeff spends so much time going through the intimate details of how Bob made those faux Immunity necklaces that it's clear I'm not the only person who called foul on those puppies. If you're interested, apparently the Kota flag had a bunch of beads and stuff on it, which Bob conveniently stripped off and slid in his pocket, without anyone, including Jeff, the other players, or anyone on the entire production crew, seeing him do it. Don't you think if there had been a camera shot of him doing that, they'd have showed it? And where did he get the string? It was wrapped around the clue at Exile Island. Huh. He doesn't say where the medallions came from; I'm assuming they were, indeed, pooped out by a gorilla on the jungle floor. I still think that's all a little sketchy, and if you ask me, these ladies are protesting too much.

Matty admits he didn't see the tie coming, and hadn't practiced making fire, which earns him Jeff's scorn. Jeff then breaks the fourth wall and tells all of us out here in TV Land that if we're thinking of applying to be on Survivor, we need to go down to REI and get some flint and…what…start setting fires? Great idea, Jeff! Let's all do that! Matty says, sort of adorably, "I never was good about doing homework." Awww! Jeff gets the jury to say they'd have voted for Matty, so, you know, whoops. So that was one million dollar decision. Randy gets YET ANOTHER dig in about the motherfucking COOKIE, but I can't bring myself to get into it yet again. Honestly? I think strippers could have brought Randy a million dollars in tens and twenties, a case of beer and a baker's dozen of chocolate chip cookies, and he still would have found some way to find fault with it. Maybe the strippers weren't pretty enough, maybe the beer was the wrong brand. Maybe he wanted c-notes and the cookies should have been oatmeal raisin. There's just no making some people happy, and Randy is obviously one of those people.

The really nasty comment Jeff wants to spend an excruciating amount of time on, though, is Corinne's, about Sugar and her dead dad. Maybe even the CBS producers didn't feel like treading that ground again, since we have about five minutes of dead air before Corinne gets to tell us that she has no regrets. "That's me, that's not an act," she says. Sugar's constant boo-hooing drove her right up a fucking tree, she says. Jeff asks Marcus, interestingly enough, to explain. Marcus diplomatically says that Sugar's emotions "bubbled over in ways that rubbed some people wrong." Okay, I can buy that, but from where I was sitting, I didn't seen anything deliberate, manipulative, or false about Sugar's frequent meltdowns. Frequent, yes. Crocodile tears? No. I remember a few months after my mom died, I burst into tears when I forgot to put butter in the Stove Top stuffing before the water boiled. My Ever-Patient Mister, who really lived up to his name that day, asked me what was wrong, and I told him I felt like I was clinging to the edge of a cliff by my fingertips. Losing someone like that messes with your head, especially in those early weeks and months. It doesn't surprise me at all that Sugar was an emotional wreck throughout.

Corinne gets booed repeatedly, which she seems to love. Randy, on the other hand, gets a surprising ovation. To me, he's way worse than Corinne, since his bitterness seems to boil over from some really ugly, deep-seated core of bigotry and misogyny. Somebody did him wrong somewhere along the way, and it messed him up for life. When Jeff asks him why he gave his live reunion tickets to six total strangers, he says it's because none of his high school or college friends watch the show. So he hasn't made any friends since then? The guy's what, fifty? So for the past thirty years, it's just been him and his dog? That's so, so sad. He used to run marathons. He used to do Iron Man. He used to be a commercial pilot. He has the second highest IQ of this season's contestants (Marcus was #1, with an "off the charts" score), but he seems to be absolutely, utterly, completely alone. My E-P Mister's convinced he needs medication and years of therapy. I couldn't agree more, and I'll go even further and ask whether it's appropriate to send a guy who appears to have decades of clinical depression under his belt out on a jaunt to Africa and then slap him on television.

Jeff seems to think that because Charlie's willing to admit that he spends time with Randy and Corinne, and that they have fun together, that perhaps that says something about Randy and Corinne, that there's some saving grace there. Personally, I think it says a lot more about Charlie, and his generous spirit.

Now comes the time when the losers other players get their last chance to blink in the spotlight. Crystal uses her moment to show the Olympic gold medal she brought with her, and to say, cutely, "I'm built to run around a circle. I'm a horse! I'm a gazelle!" and that the challenges were, um, hard. Dan continues to be saddest sack ever, even as he tries to explain how his vulnerability gave him confidence, or something like that -- I stopped listening somewhere around the first time he used the word "vulnerable" and then didn't laugh afterward.

Ken "educates" Jeff about gaming, showing footage of him being lifted aloft victoriously onto the shoulders of some other pale young gamer dudes. Whatever Kenny does with those video games, apparently he's damn good at it. He says his downfall was that he got cocky. Wow, it's nice to see someone take a little blame for themselves, instead of spreading it all onto Sugar.

Jeff gives Ace a chance to explain the fake accent, which he does by saying he lived in England for eight years while he was growing up. Hmmmm. I remain unconvinced.

After thanking representatives from the government of Gabon, who made the trip to LA decked out in their Traditional Gabonese Costumes, Jeff names the Sprint Player Of The Season. Matty and Sugar came in third and second, respectively, but the $100,000 prize goes to…say it with me now…BOB. In response, Bob says:

…

…

No, really. He just sits there, looking gob-smacked, to the point that Jeff goes over, sits beside him and parrots all the phrases Bob should be saying right now. I think Jeff's feeling totally cheated. You know Sugar would have vamped, and Matty would have dudespeaked 'til the cows come home, but Bob's just sitting there like a lump on a log. No love, Bob! It's your Big Moment, buddy, the least you could do is say, "Thanks!"

Let's see…what other news have we got? Matty's still engaged, and they've set a wedding date and picked out a color scheme. Whew. I was worried about that. Matty's fiancée shows off her ring, which she's wearing over the tattoo she apparently got on her ring finger, which automatically takes her down a notch or two in my book. It's like wearing a negligee over a sports bra. Kelly, Paloma, GC, Jacquie and Gillian all enjoyed the experience, grew as people, wouldn't trade it for the world…*yawn*…I'm sorry, football ran over, so this is on WAY past my bedtime. Oh, wait, I recorded it last night. I guess it's just putting me to sleep!

Wait, where's the update on Charlie and Marcus' bromance? Are they still in touch? Are they spending the holidays together? Come on, where's the dish! We spent all that time on the ick, let's show some manlove footage! Alas, it's not to be, and instead, Jeff gives us a preview of next season:

Survivor: Tocantins

That's the Brazilian highlands, for those of us who don't have an IQ as high as Marcus. Described as one of the most rugged terrains ever, Tocantins boasts scorching temps, torrential rains, and dangerous wildlife. Huh. Sounds like Orlando.

See you for the season premiere on Thursday, February 12th!