Rock of Love Bus - Season Premiere (Episode 301)

I have no words...(VH-1)

It’s a pleasure to return from my winter recapping hibernation to bring you "Rock of Love 3", a/k/a "Rock of Love Bus", because nothing compliments an extended post-New Year’s Eve hangover more than a pack of skanks vying for the affections of a post-glory days hair metal rocker. Sunday night’s premiere was a beautiful end to a beautiful block of VH-1 Celebreality, which included seeing Sharon Osbourne put former "Rock of Love" contestant Megan in her place on the Charm School reunion (if you didn’t see it, click here to view the beat-down in all its glory) and revisiting one of my biggest teenage crushes, Christopher Atkins, on "Confessions of a Teen Idol" (if Chris did a dating show, I’d so be there.) But I digress. Skanks ahoy!

This season, Bret and his wig are taking the circus on the road. Gone is the overly tacky mansion, replaced by two tricked-out tour buses. Bret couldn't figure out where he was going wrong in finding the love of his life (well, you could start with the fact that you're conducting your search for Ms. Right on a basic cable reality show...) and realized that he needs a woman who can rock, roll and party with him on the road. Bret’s mission is to find a gal who can hack it in the wacky world of rock ‘n’ roll as he travels across the country, entertaining crowds at state fairs in 12 cities. Along the way, Bret will find out which girl can truly hang with him. We get a sneak peek of what's in store for us this season (Weaves! Vomiting! Crying! Catfights!) Along for the ride is Bret’s right hand man Big John, defiantly going bandana-less this season (because he can.) Bret is looking more and more airbrushed with each passing season of the show. In fact, he should just change his name to Cap'n Botox 'n' Bandanas. But, what would RoL be without the lovely ladies? Let’s meet them, shall we?

Our first stop on the Bret Michaels tour (sponsored by Valtrex) is Louisville, Kentucky. The ladies assemble at a bar (of course) and boast of their attributes that will win over the heart of our man Bret. (including the one who asserts that "I'm a little bit not too smart." And her (face) cheeks are pierced. She's a keeper.) Bret laments that he's got fame, fortune, a great personality and a fabulous wig (ok, I added that one) but he just can't find love. Awww. He recycles his rap that we've all heard before about how rock 'n' roll has runied his relationships, how much he loves his fans (cut to him hugging a little girl who obviously has no clue who he is. Classic.) He promises that if he can't find someone this time around, he's giving up (and, from what I've heard, wants to do a show like "Gene Simmons Family Jewels." He'll be around forever, won't he?) Bret enters the bar and meets the floozies. As in previous seasons, Bret demonstrates his mad photography skillz (watch out Herb Ritts) and conducts a little photo shoot with the ladies, to get to know them a little bit better. First up is Brittaney (the name that will drive spell check bonkers). She’s blond, she’s got enormous boobs. Bret recognized her – he’s seen her "films". Yeah, she’s a porn star. Try to contain your surprise. I’m sure that the VH-1 producers just walked into Vivid or some other porn production house and said "Give me 20" and that’s who we’re looking at right now.  Back to Brittaney (the spelling of her name is more understandable now, isn’t it?), she’s entered a new phase in her life and is an aspiring singer (of course she is) and performs a little ditty for Bret while he’s Liebowitzing her, which also generates numerous eye rolls and giggles from her fellow contestants.   

Melissa is next. She’s a pole dancing instructor. I know, shocking. There’s not much to say about her that wasn’t said about Brittaney. Our next contestant could have easily served as an understudy for last season’s Daisy (awful bleached blond weave, inflated lips, circus boobs). She brings a whole new meaning to the term "Hot Mess" – ladies and gentlemen, I give you Nikki, a/k/a DJ Lady Tribe (or, as Big John so eloquently put it, "Nikki...tribe...somebody.") Apparently Nikki is a grafitti artist and songstress, she also tries to make a connection with Bret through the magic of music. This classy gal wrote her lyrics on information one-sheets on sexually-transmitted diseases that she picked up at her (presumably weekly) visits to the free clinic (it’s somewhat comforting that at least Nikki may have some awareness of the existence of sexually-transmitted diseases, right?)  

Bret describes Ashley as reminding him of Juliette Lewis in "Natural Born Killers" (which I suppose is a bigger compliment that saying she looked like Rodney Dangerfield in that movie.) Ashley is rocking a green, zebra print dress, a horrid (and really obvious) weave and fake boobs. She does get the first "Hi-yo!" of the season from Bret. Heather is nervous and reserved. Nice knowing you. Megan (no not that one) looks like Jane Krakowski from "30 Rock." The crazy train rolls along with Constadina, who says she’s from  the foothills of the Appalachian Mountains. She’s real spiritual, as evidenced by her bindi (which, correct me if I’m wrong, went out in like 1998 or something – right?) and Indian-inspired dance moves. Oh, and she has a master's degree in "storytelling" (she'll be getting her doctorate in gluing macaroni to paper plates.) Yikes. Natasha wants to be a madam...aim high, lady! Marci is a snooze. I won’t waste any more space on her because her boobs ain’t big enough to compensate for her complete lack of personality. Stephanie has the bleached blond hair and the bod, but she’s obviously not cut out for this. She wears a nurse outfit for reals (not a "naughty nurse" outfit, mind you) and seemingly has no show biz aspirations. What the hell is she doing here?

The photo shoot continues and the parade o’ gals marches on. Kelsey is cute and enthusiastic. She's a Utah girl, but assures Bret that she knows how to party! Maria is the first age-appropriate match for Bret (she’s 40) and she’s a former model – although what kind of model is never revealed. Marcia is from Brasil, Mindy is a competitive yet sweet country girl. Farrah is sexy and confident, which Bret absolutely loves. Brittanya (she of the pierced cheeks) shows off her tattoo sleeve to Bret. Among the many tats on her arm, you can catch a glimpse of a child’s face inked on her skin. Classy. Beverly, who looks like a dark horse (brunette, seems to have own boobs, can speak in complete sentences), has been to a bunch of Bret’s concerts, but never got to meet him – especially because he was "with Ambre" the last time. Samantha is also a bit more...ummm...seasoned gal, but she’s not pulling 40 off nearly as well as Maria (and she's prone to car sickness.) Taya is a former Penthouse Pet, but doesn’t want the distinction of being the first naked girl of the shoot. She doesn’t display the rack, but gives Bret a tasty eyeful of her backside. So, tits=tacky, ass=classy. Gia is more than happy to be the first naked girl (and she’ll show us lots more later, trust me.)

After the photos are taken, Big John instructs the girls to head outside and board one of two tour buses (one pink and one blue.) Before they board, they have to jam their overstuffed luggage into the cargo hold. I can’t believe the bags are so huge - their clothes are so skimpy, I’m surprised they took up so much room. DJ Hot Mess packed her things in a small Louis Vuitton carry-on (because she’s like 4 feet tall in stripper heels and her entire wardrobe could probably fit in my purse.) Despite the lone teeny bag, the gals are having a problem getting all of the skank wear in the bus. Big John helpfully advises Natasha to put the big bags on the bottom and the smaller bags on top. She starts rearranging the bags and DJ Hot Mess gets upset that her bag was being moved around. Natasha accuses Nikki of being in drugs, but Nikki assures us she only uses legal intoxicants. Sure she does. The gals split up pretty much the way you would think they would – all of the blonds with circus boobs and wild personalities occupy the pink bus and the brunettes and somewhat normal ladies take the blue bus.

On the pink bus, Marcia and Ashley get into it over tampons, toilet paper and number two. Ashley makes fun of Marcia’s Portuguese accent, calls her a beaver and makes up a song about her on the spot (with the classic lyric "I cannot pro-noon-ciate"). Apparently Marcia was Ashley's target because she wasn't blond. Marcia exacts her revenge by pouring drinks on her head (not a good thing – I think booze can melt cheap hair extensions). The fight distressed Melissa, who has become the first girl to cry and announce that she wants to go home. Meanwhile, the gals on the blue bus are singing "Kumbaya" and, realizing they’re crashingly dull, suggest they fight about something. Not gonna happen.

The gang arrives at the county fair that Bret’s performing at and take the stage while Bret rocks out (although VH-1 curiously dubbed his songs.) The gals dance behind him and then proceed to bump and grind all over each other. Taya commented that "I’m a centerfold model for Penthouse, and I’m the classiest one here at this point!" The classiest gal on "Rock of Love". That’s like being the straightest-acting gay guy at a Cher concert. A dubious distinction to say the least.  

After the show, it’s time for the ladies to party it up. The shots flow and the Blondtourage make out amongst themselves. Ashley has moved her abuse to Beverly (another brunette), mocking her cowboy boots (she called them "illegal") and implying that she could be a dude. Beverly strikes back and calls Ashley out for her animal print frock. Ashley, who obviously can’t come up with a witty enough comeback, simply jiggles her boobs in Beverly’s face. Touché. Beverly throws her plastic cup at Gia (after courteously finishing up the booze) and she retaliates by dumping a drink on Beverly.

A hoarse Bret finally shows up – he’s left his voice on stage. Too bad. Shots are ordered and Gia decides to serve her shot to DJ Hot Mess out of her most private location. Again, yikes. Bret says it's a good thing that alcohol kills 99.9% of all germs. Marcia notes that in Brazil, ladies don’t serve shots from their "perereca" (I had to look that one up – it’s Portuguese slang for va-jay-jay). Heather (remember her? Don’t worry, I had forgotten about her already as well) tried to get a break from the action and wiped out on her ass as she tried to escape from the bar. Melissa, who can’t believe everyone’s acting so "crazy and whorish" (what show does she think she signed on for anyway?), pulls Bret aside for a little chat. She's not sure she can handle Bret's drama-filled environment, but she's here for Bret. She will suffer the other skanks for him. What a gal.

The next day, the gals check into the luxurious Louisville Sheraton for...you guessed it...more drinking. The gals have further segmented themselves into three groups. The "Blondtourage" includes Gia, Farrah and Ashley take over one of three hotel rooms, while the mid-range partiers and the "Kumbaya crew" take their places in the other two rooms. Taya munches on some food and bitches about the amount of drinking the other girls are doing. Buzzkill. Constandina teaches Melissa some of her crazy dancing. Marcia tells us she loves tequila and drinks what appears to be a gallon of it, chased with an Amp energy drink. Bad idea. Of course, Marcia ends up worshipping at the altar of the porcelain god. Bret comes into the room and Marcia immediately greets him with a big, sloppy kiss. Bret says that was "the best Dorito" he’s ever tasted. Of course, Bret knows what that kiss really tasted like. After his little snack, Bret took Beverly aside for a little one-on-one. He was impressed that she knew the words to all of his songs – especially his solo stuff (now that’s love). She told Bret that when she was married (and made sure to add that she was 100% divorced), Bret took the number one spot on her "pass list". He was her one and only...well, except for Edward Norton. That’s quite a combo, huh? (My "pass list" comprises of Robert Downey Jr., Christian Bale, Clive Owen, Jerry O’Connell and a rotating fifth spot which, after last night, belongs to Christopher Atkins.)  Bret then gets ambushed in the hall by Brittaney, Marcia and the Blondtourage. Bret is fascinated by the Blondtourage but fears they’re just there for the party and they could insert any rock star in his place and have just as much fun. Yeah, that’s pretty obvious - but Bret would still not object to inserting his little rock star in any one of these bimbos.  

Marcia continues to drain Louisville’s tequila supply and performs a drunken cartwheel in the hotel room. She and Ashley once again get into a fight – this time she throws potato chips at Ashley and makes a feeble attempt to strangle her. The other gals break up the fight and Marcia runs off to pack her bags, crying. Bret, who has oodles of experience with crying women who want to leave, manages to sweet talk her into staying. He then works his magic on Ashley. Bret, ever the peacemaker gathers the gals to tell them to stop whomping up on each other and then says that elimination is looming.

As the ladies gather at a local auditorium for the ceremony, DJ Hot Mess is absolutely plastered and almost knocks Taya (who is so over her) to the ground. Bret says that five girls aren’t getting passes to move on and starts rattling off names - Marci, Stephanie, Gia, Heather, Nikki, Brittaney, and Marcia. He tells the other 13 gals that they can all head to their buses. Bret has two passes left to give and quickly makes his decision. Marcia Dorito kiss gets a pass (because the Ashley/Marcia squabbles will provide some amusing moments as the tour drags on) as does Brittaney (sorry, spell check). It’s time to say goodbye to and, sadly, DJ Hot Mess. The buses roll on without them, the production crew begins to strike the set, but our darling Nikki remains slumped over in an unconscious heap next to the stage. Good times.  
This is going to be one good season – with the exception of yet another guest appearance from Lacey (but if these little cameos keep her from getting her own reality show, I’ll deal with it.) Drinking, nekkidness and Big John chiding some of the girls for being skanky on stage (what show did he think he signed on for?) See you next week!