True Beauty (Episode 101)

Welcome to True Beauty, where ten men and women think they're a lot hotter than they actually are and they're going to be put through a series of humiliating challenges to prove that. Vanessa Minnillo, perhaps the blandest person on TV and I'm including the entire new cast of 90210 and that lead chick on Fringe welcomes us and explains the premise of the show. The victims contestants believe they're competing for the title of most physically beautiful person but they're really competing to see who's got the most inner beauty. Except the end of this episode proves the physical aspect is more important, but I'm getting ahead of myself. The winner will get $100,000 and a photo in People's next Most Beautiful People issue. Vanessa introduces her co-judges, stylist Nole Marin and ex-model Cheryl Tiegs, and explains that they'll be secretly watching the contestants via their Spy Room. It's just like Big Brother, minus the hot tub footjob. Probably. Maybe. Hopefully.

Let's bring out the trainwrecks! Hilariously, the show has surrounded the mansion with a bunch of extras trying to look disappointed and jealous that they're not the lucky final ten. It's how I imagine The Bachelor rejectees hang around the house after being eliminated. First up is Laura, who calls herself Laura Lee a bunch of times but she's captioned as Laura so Laura she shall be in these recaps. Laura is brunette and thinks she's adorable but "grating" might be a more accurate word. Next is Billy, who manages a GNC franchise owns a vitamin store and a Chippendales dancer. Billy is 31, the oldest of the group, and we'll be reminded several times that he's almost at death's door because of his advanced age. Following him is Monique, who looked up "gamine" in the dictionary and ran with it. When she first gets out of her car she looks a little like January Jones but then she turns straight to the camera and the effect is ruined. Monique has a degree in biology but she's currently club dancing. After Monique is Joel, who says his main goal in life is to look good naked. No, really. That's what he said. Next is Julia, who at first looks like she's got some kind of horrific skin condition but on closer look she's just covered in freckles. I mean covered. Julia gushes about her semi-permanent eyelashes and she's a Texas beauty queen, which explains so, so much. CJ follows Julia and he tells us he's a barista but if he's not a bikini barista, then I'm not interested. Okay, I lie, because CJ's really hot, although like the rest of these tools he knows it. After CJ is Chelsea, a blonde from Tennessee who looks a little like Carrie Underwood after fifty pounds of makeup and a meth addiction. Chelsea says she realized she was beautiful when people kept staring at her, clearly not getting that the staring was in horror at her busted face. When Chelsea sits down there's a little spat between her and Joel because she didn't get his lame drumroll joke and didn't have the grace to admit it. It's about as interesting as it sounds. Hadiyyah-Lah is next and she believes for real that she's the most beautiful person in the country. After her is Ashley, a self-confessed fashion addict. She claims her outfit is worth $15,000 but to my untrained eye it looks like she bought it at Target, although it does make her look like a cute USO girl during WWII so she gets a pass. Last is Ray, who has creepy piercing blue eyes and claims girls like his arrogance.

From the Spy Room, Vanessa giggles with Nole and Cheryl about their first experiment. They've hired an actor to play a clumsy waiter, who trips and knocks drinks and food all over the contestants. Oh, come on, Ashton Kutcher. I know you can come up with something better than a stunt that even Punk'd would've rejected for being too lame. In any case, everyone squeals over the mess, with Julia the only one who asks if the waiter is okay. Hadiyyah-Lah parannoys that the waiter did it deliberately (true) because he hates beautiful people (so...not true) and Laura whines about chocolate getting on her lucky gold shoes. She dips them in the champagne, y'all. The judges coo over Ray wiping chocolate off Joel's face and Vanessa thinks the show has its first "bromance." Ray also wipes chocolate off Monique's legs, after she nearly bites it sliding around in the mess, but that's not going to stop the Ray/Joel fanfic writers.

After the first challenge (or before, because everyone's magically clean again, tricksy editing monkeys), Vanessa and the other judges go out to the pool to introduce themselves to the contestants. She also explains the alleged purpose of the contest and the prize, then tells them to go rest up. They'll be living in the mansion where they arrived and, since it's required on shows like this, everyone has to run around and exclaim over how amazing the house is. Rather than letting the contestants fight over beds, the show has already assigned them ones with a Warhol-esque portrait of each contestant over a bed.

The next morning, the women cluster around the bathroom and begin the epic process of making themselves presentable for the day, while the men hit the gym. Chelsea eschews the primping in favor of wandering downstairs in her pajamas and her hair in a ponytail, which makes me like her a little despite the messed-up face. She's even got zit cream on her cheek, which is refreshingly normal, although she wouldn't need it if she didn't use a shovel to pile on the makeup. Chelsea's in search of someone interesting to talk to and she finds CJ writing in his diary (for real!) and they bond over being fat kids in school. They've both got an obvious air of former fat kid bitter defensiveness about them in terms of how they're obsessed with their looks now, but so far they're the most likeable people on this show.

Later, everyone continues to get ready for the day. Laura keeps on with the "adorable" shtick while claiming she doesn't know how to wash a dish, but even the guys she's trying to charm, Billy and Joel (hee), think she's too dumb to live. Chelsea gets her feathers ruffled when Julia barges into the bathroom without asking and I know Chelsea has already had tiffs with two people in the house, I'm choosing to think it's because she's got no patience for fools and not because she's a raging asshole. Vanessa shows up to explain the next (well, first to them) challenge: they'll be evaluated by a plastic surgeon to see where they fall on the beauty equation, which measures symmetry and other junk science-y stuff. She says the person with the highest score will be safe from elimination while the lowest two will be in danger of getting the boot. So, in a show about finding inner beauty, the first elimination challenge is about measuring physical beauty? What the hell, show? Once everyone's assembled at the clinic, Vanessa explains to the audience that while the doctor is real, his assistant is an actor who will be trying to get a rise out of the contestants.

While they wait, Ray and Laura make small talk and Chelsea can't understand something Laura says, so she makes fun of her accent. Joel snipes at Chelsea and flatly says he doesn't like her and plans to stay away from her. That's going to be hard, buddy, since you're living together and are forced to interact due to being on the same reality show. Before the claws really come out, Julia is called back for her examination. The fake nurse makes a comment about Julia's "granny butt" and if that's the best she can do, she should probably give up the acting thing and try being a real nurse. The doctor mutters and makes some markings on Julia's face, then he and Nurse Faker leave her alone in the room with everyone's files. Vanessa explains that it's another test, to see who can resist being nosy. Julia passes. More examinations, more lame comments from Nurse Faker, more Pandora's Box testing. CJ is the only one who actually gets riled at Nurse Faker's comments and he also calls bullshit on the doctor's methodology. Laura, Hadiyyah-Lah, and Ray are the ones to look through the files, although Hadiyyah-Lah looks at them upside down and I refuse to believe she's smart enough to actually read them that way so I don't think it should count.

Results! Back at the mansion, Vanessa explains that any score over 85 is considered good-looking and over 95 is "star quality." She calls forward Ray and Monique and they score a 92 and 91, respectively. They're both safe. Ashley and CJ are next. She gets a 94 and is also safe. Before Vanessa can give CJ is scores, he rants again about the unfairness of the testing and thinks it's terrible to measure beauty. This, from a guy who went on a show to pick the most beautiful person. His words are rich in delicious irony. CJ proves even more what a giant hypocric he is when he shuts up as soon as his score of 94 is revealed. Billy and Joel (hee) follow and they tie for first place with a score of 95. Billy I can sort of see, even though he is older than Methuselah, but Joel? He's so...forgettable. The remaining four are Laura, Julia, Chelsea and Hadiyyah-Lah. Laura scored a 94 so she's safe, and so is Julia with a 91. Right away, Hadiyyah-Lah throws a tantrum with the cursing and crying and turning her back on the judges. Cheryl looks shocked. Well, she probably would if her face could move. Chelsea isn't happy either and says she knows she's not ugly, but she's slightly more dignified in her disappointment.

Later, the judges discuss the results. Cheryl is still miffed over Hadiyyah-Lah's attitude but Vanessa points out that Chelsea has had arguments with a couple of people in the house. Nole contributes that Hadiyyah-Lah looked through the files. Vanessa thinks they need to be put through one more test before a decision can be made. Chelsea and Hadiyyah-Lah pack their bags and are driven over to the Hall of Beauty (please send help, can't stop laughing!), where the final judging will take place. Vanessa explains that an actor will be loaded down with a lot of coffee cups and approach the door at the same time as each girl. If and how they offer to help him could sway the judges.

Chelsea walks towards the door first and sees the coffee guy struggling. She fidgets for a few seconds before opening the door for him and letting him go ahead of her. The judges are pleased. Hadiyyah-Lah is next and we don't get to see what she does, which makes it really obvious. Ashton and Tyra didn't think through the whole suspense thing very well, did they? The judging is pretty brief, with Vanessa asking each girl what they think true beauty is. Hadiyyah-Lah says it's being natural while Chelsea thinks it's being unusual and standing out in a crowd. Nole tells Chelsea she's a pretty girl but she desperately needs a makeunder. Preach it, boyfriend. Cheryl says Hadiyyah-Lah has a nice smile but she doesn't bring it out often enough.

Finally, Vanessa tells Chelsea that she's safe and sends her back to the mansion. After she's gone, Hadiyyah-Lah gets the scoop on the real reason she was given the boot. She sees the spy cam footage and flips her shit, defending herself and even lying through her teeth. She cuts off Cheryl at one point and there's a hilarious "Oh, hell no!" bitchface from Cheryl. We get to see that she didn't help the coffee guy. Hadiyyah-Lah storms out, crying and wailing, and insists that she's not the total jerk that we've seen her be. To be honest, I think she's more upset about not being the prettiest. As she wheels her luggage down a long hallway, the camera cuts to the Hall of Beauty where two dudes dressed as janitors take her picture off the wall and dump it in a trash bin. AWESOME.