Scrubs - "My Jerks" (Episode 801)

As my esteemed colleague J. Harvey recently reported, "Scrubs" is back for it's last (?) season. (If you're into spoilers, this interview with the show's creator, Bill Lawrence, sheds a bit more light as to what season eight has in store for us.) So, after a (really) long wait, the gang at Sacred Heart hospital are finally back. And they're on ABC. That's just one of the many changes we'll see in the next half-hour. We come upon JD complimenting Janitor on his new watch (actually, in a little "in joke", he points at the omnipresent ABC bug in the lower corner of the screen and says "That's new.") Janitor didn't understand why he was receiving a compliment - unless he was supposed to return the compliment about JD's "new prepubescent Miami Vice beard". JD insists that people say he looks like "a young Kenny Loggins". Well, no one really says that - except for JD, of course.

All of the doctors have a whole new set of interns, and according to him, JD's "suuuck!" There's Katie, the self-centered climber - ready to give her fellow interns wrong answers to make herself look better. Intern Denise is somewhat callous. She consults with a patient and her family, saying "it's ironic that cancer starts with 'can' because, at this stage, there's nothing we 'can' do about it." Ouch. Intern Ed forgot to finish his case reports because he was chatting up the ladies on the "Lost" fan boards. He met a girl and they chatted for an hour before Ed realized he was talking to a dude, so he set up a fake profile, HotGirl99 and started chatting up men for revenge. He told one man to meet him at the hospital holding a red balloon. There was a nerdy net boy already in the lobby with his balloon in hand. JD looked a little disturbed to discover that Ed was HotGirl99 and quickly walked away.

JD tells Carla and Elliot that he'll be able to handle these interns - like (as Carla reminded him) Jimmy "the overly touchy orderly". JD states "He only touches above the waist now, you're welcome." Elliot said that her intern class was the best. Keith interrupted and said his class must have been pretty good, or she wouldn't have almost married him. Elliot reminded him that she didn't marry him and he walked off - not before mouthing "Bitch." There was no time to address Elliot's harsh behavior because Dr. Kelso's replacement was on her way in for her first day. Dr. Taylor Maddox (Courteney Cox) was "smokin' hot" (according to JD, who had to see her his way - in slo-mo with a wind machine blowing back her hair. Actually, Maddox was friendly with an infectous smile that even Cox couldn't resist (as hard as he tried.) Maddox had only three rules - an open door policy, appreciation for work well done and an over-the-top fear of spiders. Ted was there, sitting in a wheelchair and covered with a blanket. Maddox thought he was a patient, but Ted asserted, "I'm a lawyer." Maddox replied, "Of course you are sweetie." JD goes to take "the patient" away and accidentally launches him out of his chair, which prompts Jimmy to jump on top of him asking (and feeling around) for where it hurt.

JD wanted to connect with his new boss and decided to go with a picture of his son and some "brilliant" acting. The photo was a good idea - Maddox has a daughter. JD decided to follow up with a question, but nothing too personal. He asked her, "Did you deliver vaginally?" That didn't work very well. Maddox went to talk to a patient admitted for shortness of breath and scared the man nearly to death when she freaked out over a spider. Carla told Cox that if Maddox was dealing with the patients that she might not be half bad. Cox was not impressed. He thinks she's probably a jerk because the Chief of Medicine position "attracts jerks" - and he knows jerks. Carla tells him to prove it and he passes. Meanwhile, the lobby is filling up with nerds holding red ballons - including Ted. JD's on rounds with his interns and Turk. He says they're all teachable, even "Jo" (his nickname for callous Denise, because she reminds him of "that streetwise mannish girl on 'Facts of Life.'" Turk said Katie the climber could be Blair. JD said that was stupid, but his internal voice said the nickname was perfect, but he wasn't going to use it in front of Turk because he'd say "You're welcome!" Ed spent the entire time texting while JD and the other interns discussed the patient's condition. When asked for a diagnosis, Denise/Jo said that the patient "looks like hell" and JD reminded her that when the patient's eyes were open, that she could hear what she was saying. JD told the patient that she looked beautiful, to which Denise/Jo added, "Yeah, your janudice makes you glow." Ed's still texting - well, he's actually looking at pictures of Sienna Miller's breasts. JD says he should do that later, with him and asks Denise/Jo if she knows what's wrong. Denise/Jo guesses and is wrong - corrected by Katie. JD calls her Blair and, sure enough, Turk pops in and says "You're welcome!" Ed tells JD he can call him Tootie and JD grabs the cell phone, mocking his texting activities. Just then, Maddox walked in and reprimanded JD. Poor JD couldn't pass the phone back to Ed, who now claimed it wasn't his - or even to the janitor. Maddox asked JD to conduct some renal tests on shortness of breath guy (Mr. Hicks) unless he had "more questions about her vagina?" JD's internal voice yelled "Lie!" and JD said "No."

Katie ran off after Maddox for some ass kissing. Carla said she was such a suck-up and Keith called her "Mini-Elliot" (which was what everyone was calling her.) Elliot said it must be because they both have "blond hair and perky boobs" but Cox said it was more like they were both "whiny and self-involved", which has been the case with Elliot for the last year and a half. JD goes off to conduct the tests on Mr. Hicks and leaves his interns in charge of the floor and tells them to work as a team - he even has them put their hands in a circle and yell "Nobody die!" Even though Kelso retired, he's still hanging around in cafeteria. Ted (still with his balloon) tries to tell him what he thinks of him, but he still can't stand up to him. Elliot and Carla grab a coffee and have a little chat. Carla said that although Elliot has been through a lot over the last year, which would cause anyone to be "a little self-absored...but...." Kelso is waiting anxiously to hear the rest of this and tells Ted that's why he still comes to the hospital every day. Ted calls him a loser, and Kelso pops his balloon (Ted yelling "My balloon" was my favorite part of this episode.) JD found Maddox and told her the renal tests on Mr. Hicks were all negative. Maddox said that was good news, because the elderly man was her "lover." JD fell for it and Maddox punched him in the arm for believing she's have to date someone "fat, bald and ugly." JD again tried to bond with Maddox and again was unsuccessful (he started calling her "well-built" and ended up calling her "sturdy...like a structure.") As he walked away, Janitor tripped him with his mop handle and told him to quit being nice to him. Maddox saw the whole thing and asked the janitor what his name was. Janitor replied, "You really are new here." She grabbed his name tag and discovered that it said "The Janitor." JD returns to the floor only to discover that his interns screwed up - and they all passed the buck. Carla admitted to Elliot that she agreed with Cox's assessment of her, Maddox fired the Janitor and JD announced that he was done with his interns.

Cox can't shake his feeling that Maddox is "a complete tool." JD tells Cox to go talk to her and find out, and he again passes. Maddox orders Elliot to give Mr. Hicks a full cardiac workup and again says that he's her "lover." Of course, Elliot knows she's kidding and gets a hug. Maddox tells Elliot that she likes her the best and Elliot says "Thanks, Mom...Ma'am." Elliot's still miffed that Carla thinks she's self-absorbed and Carla says she was just trying to help and would want Elliot to tell her if she was doing something she'd regret later. Elliot asks Carla what she's done lately that she'd regret and we flash back to the gals at a bar, where Elliot is talked into flashing her "perky boobs" to a camera - and ends up on a DVD called "Drunk Blondes." Carla also points out that Elliot continuously mocks Keith after not marrying him and says she doesn't realize how devastated he really was. Just then Keith came up with a plastered-on smile and acknowleged what an "awesone day" it was. Cox wanted to know why "Dr. Squeaky Pants" was leading JD's rounds. Elliot asked Turk if he saw her side on the whole Keith thing and he told her that he has to disagree with her because Carla has spies all around the hospital. Ted pulled Elliot aside and, after his anti-anxiety medication kicked in, told her that Keith's been a mess since they broke up. Elliot didn't see that - until Ted took her to a room where a sad Keith sat. Maddox discovered that Janitor was still working at the hospital and asked him if she thought she was kidding when she fired him (and Jimmy the orderly as well - for obvious reasons.) Janitor assured her that the tripping incident would never happen again and Maddox said she knew it wouldn't because as they were talking, she walked him out of the hospital and asked for his keys. He gave her one key - which worked on every lock in the hospital - and on JD's scooter to boot. Elliot talked to Keith and finally apologized about the way things ended between them and her joking after the fact. Keith said it meant a lot to him. She asked for a hug and he flatly turned her down.

Cox and JD talked interns and Cox couldn't believe JD gave up on his - especially after Cox had such a horrible intern experience himself (guess who?) JD says he's tired of the interns' attitude and ignorance and expects a tongue lashing from Cox. Cox actually says he "gets it," which is why he's avoiding talking to Maddox. He's tired of being "that guy" - in the chief's face addressing every injustice. JD was excited that Cox was treating him like an equal and wanted to do something equals do - so he drank out of Cox's coffee cup. Not what equals do. Ted came to Maddox with Mr. Hicks' latest test results, which were locked in his briefcase - but he lost his key. Maddox successfully used Janitor's key to open the case. Besides the test results, all that was in the case was "a smiley face button and a revolver." Ted explained to her that "One's in case I get sad, and the other one's in case I get really sad." Cox finally talks to Maddox and discovers that she's conducting all kinds of unneccessary tests on Mr. Hicks because he's "got awesome insurance." Cox was bummed that he was right. Elliot told Carla that she was right about her and thanked her for showing her the light. JD gave his interns a second chance and there's a new janitor - who's courteous and actually looks like he'll do some work. The end credits roll over what I like to call "in-joke-a-rama", with JD trying to get Elliot and Turk psyched for their eighth year, saying they can't "phone it in" because "there's still a lot of people who rely on us week-to-week. I think we owe it to be inspired as we were our first few years." He said that even though they never got any "medical awards" (because "Dr. Shaloub" - as in the star of "Monk" always won them) they were as good as anyone else out there. Turk said the Nielsen's disagreed (cut to a couple shaking their heads in the corner.) A welcome return, guys!