Top Chef: "Focus Group" - Episode 507

I have to say that the Bravo channel seems to be getting weirder by the minute. Is anyone as creeped out by those 'Real Housewives of Orange County' commercials as I am? Cougar-tastic! Remember when Bravo was all about classy stuff like fashion, cooking, and cultured gay guys reminding sloppy straight guys to bathe before going outside? Yeah, those days are gone. Bret Michaels' party bus oughtta be showing up for the champagne brunch any minute now, folks. More 'Top Chef' after the jump...

 

So now that Gail has left the building to go get married and see 'Bride Wars' seventeen times with her bridesmaids this weekend, we have a new judge. British food critic Toby Young has joined the Top Chef ranks for the remainder of the season, and although I can barely stand to look him in the face for longer than a few seconds without wanting to go pet a puppy, I think he'll fit in here just fine. I'm sure that he and Tom will find plenty to talk about and look down upon as the season progresses.

 

To the Diet Dr. Pepper-sponsored Quickfire! Waiting for the cheftestants in the TC kitchen are Princess Padma, enough buckets, bags, and plastic Glad containers of sugar to put Willy Wonka into hyperglycemic shock, and guest judge/pastry chef rockstar Jean-Christophe Novelli. Padma and Jean-Christophe introduce the challenge, and apparently, New Yorkers are now desperately concerned about excess when it comes to what they eat. HAHAHA! This from the town that eats hot dogs from a hot bucket of water on the street. No, seriously, Padma - what's the challenge? Turns out she's serious - the chefs are required to make a tasty dessert using absolutely no real sugar at all. However, they can use all the non-sugar ingredients (or Diet Dr. Pepper, natch) they can lay their hands on. Wait - Diet Dr. Pepper? Really? I thought that stuff was only good for unclogging drains and sewer pipes. I'm fairly certain I saw my neighbor de-icing his driveway with the stuff after that big ice storm hit.

 

As they are prone to do, the chefs get to running feverishly around the kitchen, and even manage to make a few desserts somewhere along the way. When all are prepared and presented, Jean-Christophe and Padma make with the judging. With how many times Jean-Christophe uses the phrase 'that's interesting' to describe the dishes, you KNOW that most of them sucked. Radhika's boring-ass bread pudding and Leah's ricotta & strawberry crepe finish at the top of the pack, while Carla's aborted frozen bananas bring up the very distant rear. Radhika ends up taking the Quickfire win, proving once again this season that simplicity is the approach to beat. With that in mind, I was quite surprised to see Ariane's efforts get panned by Jean-Christophe, being that simpleness seems to be her main objective. New Jersey's answer to Betty Crocker better find her way back to the drawing board, and quick.

 

With immunity firmly in hand, Radhika and her fellow chefs move into the Elimination Challenge, and I have to say that it was probably one of the most unique and challenging contests of the season thus far. In it, the chefs were made to prepare a family-style dinner for the judges to sample, but on top of that, each of the dishes were judged blind. No one on the judging panel would know who cooked what at the time of tasting, and as a result, any bias that the judges might have acquired at this point in the show was completely thrown out the window. Joining Tom and Princess Padma at the judging table was our newest addition to the cast, Toby Young. Being a writer (Young is the author of 'How To Lose Friends And Alienate People', a soon-to-be movie starring the delightful Simon Pegg), I think Toby went a little off the deep end when it came to dreaming up nasty little wordbombs to drop on each of the dishes as they came and went before him, but we'll get to that in a minute. I enjoyed 'Tropic Thunder' too, dude, but really - lighten up, Anton Ego. You've got plenty of time to rack up soundbites for the commercials.

 

After a few quick words with Tom back in the apartment, the chefs are divided up into two teams. Quickfire winner Radhika is given her choice of team to join, and despite his reputation as probably one of the most skilled contestants still alive and kicking, she chooses to stay as far away from the Finnish wunderkind Stefan as she can. Being that I couldn't really give less of a crap about Radhika's boring cookbook fare, that's fine by me. Stefan really CAN cook circles around most of these dimwits, and I can't wait to see him in the finals and do so.

 

So the teams are chosen, and they each get their turn at sprinting maniacally through Whole Foods to gather their ingredients. The chefs are given somewhat of a free reign over their dishes this week, and I think it's a welcome change that lightens the load on them a little bit. The challenges are often a bit too constraining in their difficulty level and thematic ties, so it will be interesting to see a bit more personality being attached to whatever comes out of the kitchen this time around. Or not. In addition to that, however, Tom also dropped the bomb that not one, but TWO cheftestants will be going home this week to make up for the fake-ass holiday 'gift' of the non-elimination week that took place before the holidays. I guess Bravo didn't want to spring for the extra week of competition after all.

 

30 minutes and a hundred bucks later, Team B takes to the kitchen. Melissa's cranking out some tuna tacos (no giggling, you perverts), Eugene's doing a whole deep-fried fish with some god-awful sounding warm radish fettucini, Hosea's wrapping some halibut in bacon, and Radhika continues her pledge to boredom by leaning heavily on her immunity win and preparing a spicy crab bisque. Yawn. Fabio's got some shrink-wrapped lamb boiling on the stove, but as he's getting ready to plate it with some fresh hand-rolled pasta, he notices that it's undercooked. WAY undercooked. Uh-oh. Time to break out the kooky foreigner-speak, I guess. Wave your hands as much as possible, bud, because apparently, it's helping. Overratedness, thy name is Fabio.

 

Team A is up next, and as will be proven when it's their time to serve, the dishes they manage to put together are a bit more rewarding. Jeff's random collection of tapas-style dishes on a single plate, Carla's pea risotto with a single fried scallop on top, and of course, Jamie's innumerable attempt at yet ANOTHER scallops dish. As Fabio puts it, this isn't Top Scallops, sweetheart. Move on.

 

So while Team A is preparing to serve their dishes to the judges, Team B is summoned down to the dining room. As they arrive, they notice five empty seats at the table. That's right - each of the teams will be critiquing one another right alongside the judges in the blind taste test. Harsh. Leah, Carla, Jeff, Stefan, and Ariane take their places, and here come the dishes. Radhika's crab bisque is up first, and the judgment is unanimous - it stinks. In fact, Toby drops the H-bomb of hyperbole and calls it "the weapons of mass destruction that the U.N. had been looking for." Um, okay. Hosea's halibut and Fabio's lamb get a resounding 'Meh', Jamie's 47th reiteration of goddamned scallops go over a LOT better than ever before, and Eugene and Melissa's seafood duo of snapper and fish tacos are, well... edible, I guess. No one puked or anything, so that's good.

 

The teams switch places now, and Team B gets their dishes plated and out to the dining room. Everyone's a bit frazzled after watching Queen Bitch Toby Young tear apart everyone else's dishes, so maybe that's why Round 2 of the blind taste test went so well. Good reviews were abound - Stefan's duck and dumplings get especially high marks from Tom, Jeff's random jumble of tapas are well received by Toby, Ariane's skatewing (it's a fish) with pineapple dressing is proclaimed as 'perfect' by Jean-Christophe, and Leah's greasy interpretation of fish and chips stick well enough to the roof of Toby's mouth to warrant a positive review. In fact, only Carla's pea risotto and scallop combo seems to repel the judges, so naturally, Crazy Eyes is beside herself with panic. Much loud cooing and cawing ensues. Cut to commercial.

 

Top three time, and it's Ariane, Stefan, and Jamie. Jamie's falling all over herself trying to convince the judges that it's her turn to freakin' win something already, and you know what? She turns out to be right. The judges proclaim her the winner of this challenge, and the girl can't get back to the chef's room fast enough to remind everyone sweating it out in there how much she deserved it. Yup, and it only took her an ocean of scallops to do it. Score one for the last remaining member of Team Rainbow, I guess. From there, she's then given the responsibility of summoning the bottom three finishers for this challenge, and it's Eugene, Carla, and Melissa.

 

Two of the bottom three chefs need to go home this time around, and after much shucking-and-jiving, the lonely soul we all thought was definitely doomed is the one left standing. That's right - Carla escapes elimination, and I can't say I disagree with that. Eugene's arrogant ass had been begging to be sent home for weeks now, and if Melissa's fish tacos tasted as much like cat food as Toby said, then maybe it's time to take them back to the trailer park she got them from. Buck up, Melissa. If cooking doesn't work out, maybe you'll be able to get your job back as an extra on 'My Name Is Earl'.

 

LEFTOVERS - 

 

Was it me, or did Ariane keep pronouncing the word 'crepe' as 'crap'?

 

Seriously, those 'Real Housewives of Orange County' commercials weird me out. Doesn't anyone want to grow old gracefully anymore? Personally, I can't wait to be a grouchy old bastard. Get off my lawn, Bravo! Don't even get me started on the ads for 'Millionaire Matchmaker', either. Apparently in this economy, the only thing the nouveau-riche can afford to buy is an excessive amount of spray-on tanner.

 

Stefan's reaction to Tom praising his dish so highly was HILARIOUS. 'ZA, COLICCHIO, VA!' LOL. What the hell does that even mean? Stefan FTW!

 

All being said, I really don't mind Toby too much. Not yet, anyway. Sure, he's got a face like a cat's asshole, and sure, he desperately needs a brilliant cartoon rat to serve him up some genius bombs and wipe that sour frown off his face, but at least he's a bit more stable than that jittery little priss Gail. Maybe it's just me, but I always thought she was far too concerned with keeping that pretty little pageant crown on her head to really do any kind of sufficient judging. 

 

'A failure of imagination', Tom? Really? Lighten up, Francis.

 

-littlebigmouth.