Welcome back, Top Chef fans. In order to ignore the truly awful news of this week, let's just jump right into it. No snappy opener from me. Too sad. More 'Top Chef' after the jump...
After a bit of foreshadowing in the form of bald guy bitchiness between Stefan and Hosea, we move directly to the Quickfire challenge. The chefs meet up with Princess Padma in the kitchen, and who should be waiting there with her but Season 3 champ Hung? That's right, that bitchy little Vietnamese guy who buzzed around the kitchen like Speedy Gonzales a few years ago is back, and he's here to judge the Quickfire. With a wave of his tiny little hands, he unveils a gigantic cart full of crappy canned, jarred, and boxed foodstuffs that the chefs will have to use in their dish. Canned soup, pancake mix, jars of pickled and pre-peeled garlic (blasphemy!), you name it - it's here. In addition to the formidable task of creating the most delicious dish possible out of the cheapest crap imaginable, to honor Hung's lightning-fast speed, Padma's only giving them 15 minutes to do it in. Padma says go, the cheftestants nearly kill each other over a tin of sardines, and we're off.
To discuss the irony of Hung judging this kind of challenge for a moment, anyone remember how much he hated using such cheap pedestrian crap during similar challenges on his season? Or how about that magical breakfast cereal forest he made? Heh. Anyway, the chefs are clearly having a hard time making anything out of this garbage. Hosea's sticking to his plan of spicing up some canned split pea soup, Stefan's making bean soup and a grilled Velveeta sandwich (for which he swipes a piece of Spam off of Hosea's prep table), and while Leah's breakfast of min-waffles and microwave sausages might be tasty in theory, those little meatlinks get drier than a bucket of sand the second you put them on a plate. As a result, Leah ends up at the bottom of Hung's pile at the tasting, and Stefan comes out on top. I'm thrilled to see my favorite take another win after such a long dry streak, but rather than gloat about it, I'd really just like to dwell for a moment of Ariane's thoroughly disgusting Spam on toast abomination. With all the cheap housewife crap she's been unloading on the judges all season ("I made tomato salad!"), you'd have thought this kind of challenge would've been right up her alley. As I read on a blog somewhere this morning, it looked quite a bit like British food, didn't it? That's bad. Really bad. I was thinking more along the lines of prison food, but with the exception of fish n' chips and various Indian joints around London, there's really not much difference, is there? Too bad Toby wasn't around, as I'm sure he would've loved it.
On to the Elimination Challenge, and because it's got the word 'elimination' in it, most of the dishes prepared for it were pretty much crap. Backing up a bit, though, the chefs were made to draw knives and then separated into three teams - Lamb, Chicken, and Pork. Padma tells them that their challenge would involve creating a 'seasonal' meal based upon these three ingredients, but c'mon - what does the word 'seasonal' even mean on this show anymore? Christmas took place two weeks ago in July, for chrissakes. Unless the cooking will be taking place in the Orchid Station from here on out, I'm placing little to no value on the word 'seasonal' on this show anymore at all.
Herded into three separate SUVs, the teams were then driven to Blue Hill Restaurant at Stone Barns, a famous restaurant/food center owned and operated by noted chef Dan Barber. Dan himself is standing there with three members of his staff, and each team is told that they'll be selecting their ingredients by hand with them. The chefs are a little shaken to be out of the yuppified confines of Whole Foods, but they take to it quickly. Team Chicken is shown around the coops, Team Lamb have to live with themselves after calling for the slaughter of some adorable baby lambs, and Team Pork slop through the pig trough, which is remarkably clean and well attended. I have to hand it to Chef Barber here - that's one outstanding-looking farm he's got there. The animals look happy, and the produce is fresh beyond comprehension. You'd think that all the dishes prepared would be out of this world, right? Well, maybe not.
Stefan's chicken team has gotten over its petty bickering, and their menu looks stellar. Breaded cutlets, whole roast chickens, ravioli soup, and a fruit tartlet from Crazy Carla. Sounds good to me. Team Pork, however, is looking a little iffy. Fabio's pork raviolis with pesto look a bit heavy, and Radhika spends most of her day on the farm doing absolutely nothing. She, like, made a salad or something. Sweetie, you're a chef on an organic farm where anything and everything you could ever possibly ask for to cook with is absolutely free. Go nuts! Damn, take the girl out of the International section of Whole Foods and she has absolutely no idea what to do. Dan Barber had to have some curry powder stocked away somewhere, right?
Which brings us to Team Lamb. Oh my dear Lord. Ariane, why the HELL are you banging the shit out of that poor baby lamb to tenderize it? It's baby lamb! It's the most soft, succulent meat this side of Blake Lively's inner thigh, and you're beating it to a second death with a frying pan! Would you put moisturizer on a newborn baby? Hell no you wouldn't, just like you wouldn't bother tenderizing freshly-slaughtered lamb. Could someone get this woman a box of frozen waffles and a toaster oven? Thanks. If that wasn't bad enough, she attempts to tie up and roll the lamb for roasting, and she clearly has NO idea what she's doing. Leah has to step in and help Ariane before the team's main course ends up dressed in a tiny little cowboy outfit or something. Ladies in their mid-40s from Jersey do that, you know.
It's ridiculous. Just ridiculous. Leah is sidelined to making a tomato salad and helping with the dessert, and while she might have felt wasted on this challenge, she should at least be happy that the showcasing of Ariane's raw incompetence is outshining Leah's non-involvement.
Time to serve up these messes, and the judges are waiting outside at picnic tables with the rest of the farm staff and their families. Everything is served family style, appropriately enough, so it's pretty much of a free-for-all as everyone digs in. Princess Padma starts off the bitching by stating how odd it was for Team Chicken to present a hot soup on such a warm day, but she's counter-bitched by a farm employee who tells her that it really doesn't matter what with how good the soup was. Shut up, Padma. Besides that, though, Team Chicken's dishes are immensely well-received.
The lamb? Not so much. As stated before, the roast that Ariane prepared was not only pounded to a fine powder for no reason whatsoever, but also horribly butchered to boot. Hosea, Ariane, and Leah seem confident, though, so whatever. All the better method to see them get their hearts stomped on like so much baby lamb at the judges' table.
Here comes the pork! Pretty much all the dishes are roundly lambasted by the judges, and especially by Toby. Not only does he make some dumb-ass joke about how the pesto was the big bad wolf that blew Team Pork's house down, but he also sends the friendly atmosphere of the farm lunch reeling by making a stupidly inappropriate comment about he never 'got to have unprotected sex' with any of the lamb dishes. Dude, shut up. Anthony Bourdain, you are not. With any luck, you'll be long gone from this show next season and sent packing back to the land of writing unsuccessful movies.
To the judges' table now, and unsurprisingly, Team Chicken is way on top of the pack. Like, WAY. All three members of the team are rewarded with a win for this challenge, and I'd say that's about as close to a threesome with Jamie that Stefan is ever going to get. Hell, even Carla got a win out of this one for her fruit tartlet dessert. Hooty-hoo!
As for the losers, well... that would be everyone else. Team Chicken is asked to send every single member of the two remaining teams back to the judges' table, and it isn't pretty. Jeff gets pretty much the only compliment out of anyone for his crispy fried green tomatoes with tomato jam (never had these, but I'm dying to try them), and when push comes to shove, the judges are split between two chefs - Radhika and Ariane. Radhika because she really didn't do jack shit when it came time to cook, and Ariane for her crimes against the animal world for what she did to that poor baby lamb. As much of a douchebag that I think Tom Colicchio is, I have to agree with him on this one point - if you're cooking meat, respect it. It's a living thing that was killed for your benefit, and the LEAST you can do while preparing it is to handle it correctly. Ariane either didn't know or didn't care to do that, and as a result, she wound up on the outs. Eight weeks of Mommy food later, the Jersey girl is finally sent packing. She's classy enough to take a parting shot at her teammates on her way out, though, but hey - that's Jersey. I'm surprised no one got whacked.
LEFTOVERS -
If I learned even one thing from this episode, it's that I do not want an 'I Heart Padma' t-shirt. At all. I'll bet the bitch makes those things herself in her basement. Hell, she's probably bought the first one.
Shannon Algiere is really cute, but she talks like a nine-year-old girl. Kinda like that chick on American Idol last night.
I've got some protein that Leah could honor. Why is a pretty girl like her crushing on a douchetard like Hosea? Are bald heads really that attractive nowadays?
Boy, it sure gets warm in New York state right after Christmas, huh? Yeah, right. Have fun tunneling your way out of God's frilly white feces this weekend, everyone.
I would normally abhor Stefan's brand of macho Euro-centric bullshit if he weren't so damned charming with it. 'I'm the only cock in the stall! COCK!'
Speaking of cock, Stefan and Jamie have the most pointless love-hate relationship ever. He obviously wants to get in her pants, but why? Does lesbianism not exist in Finland, or what? She has no desire for you to MAKE GOOD BABY inside her, dude, so why bother? Go break up the Leah/Hosea gigglefest or something. At least you'd have a finish line to aim for there.
Seriously, people - don't EVER use pre-peeled garlic out of a jar. It's gross. Buying and peeling your own fresh garlic is cheaper, tastier, and, well... not gross. Recognize.
It's been a lot of fun, everyone. Take care. I've had a blast writing for this site, and to think it's coming to a close is just the pits. I'll post my thoughts on 'Lost' and whatever other shows I can if Michael will let me. Thanks to everyone who read, wrote, commented, participated, and told me off for being crude and sarcastic. Big hugs to you all...
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First off, I'm going to have to say I was disappointed in Ariane. She's been pretty good with proteins so far, so I thought she should do well here, but I don't know much about meats and how they all should be prepared, and I don't think I could eat a baby lamb, but even I know that it's supposed to be really tender, and I thought that the farm setting called for something rustic and simple, and they just missed the boat there. Though I do agree that Hosea should have stepped up and taken the lead there, but maybe like me, they thought she'd do well because of her previous accolades for her proteins.
I don't see how Stephan could think Jamie would be interested, but didn't he say he married the same woman 2 or 3 times? Maybe he's slow when it comes to women.
And Hosea is too cute with his dimples, I can see why Leah likes him, plus when you have chemistry with someone, it doesn't matter what they look like. Though he is cute. :D:D
Now, I'm going to miss your recaps, especially, Lost. I might not always agree, but I've always been entertained. I was recently laid off, so I know how it feels to find yourself without something that you've had for a while. I worked at the same television station for 13 years and and thought that my job was safe, which is something no one should ever think. I hope this was a secondary job for you guys, because I can tell you it's not fun being out in this economy with no umbrella.
Anyway, I wish you luck, and please let me know if you start recapping somewhere else.