Parting is such sweet sorrow.Welcome back, everyone! After a long decade month of hiatus, show is back! 

In a large farmhouse, a man is eating dinner in front of the TV when his lamp suddenly turns off.  When he gets up to get a new light bulb or something, a door across the room swings open.  Out steps an adolescent girl, deathly pale with tangled black hair and the weirdest looking teeth I have ever seen.  “You?” the man says, clearly terrified.  “That’s impossible!”  He tries to keep the girl away, but she advances anyway, and the man’s blood splatters across a cross-stitched picture reading “Home Sweet Home.”

Wow, this is so weird.  It’s my very last recap at Recapist.  I figure I’d better get that out of the way now, to avoid any confusion.  My fellow (soon to be former) co-workers, Annie, Nova, Ran and Gemma have already explained the situation in their recaps.  To repeat it here is just redundant.  Really, all I have to say on the matter is that our parent company is now getting the equivalent of what they are paying.   

Therefore, I had just five days to come up with something with which to end my run and I’ve included it at the end of this recap. As for the coworkers I mentioned above (and the others), as well as Michael – the original site runner – you are all awesome.

Enough of the maudlin parts and let me move on to what you really came here for, the recap!  While I was writing this I realized that the screencaps tell an entirely different story.  Really, I should worry about it, but what could possibly happen to me now?  Never leave a recapper in a situation that lacks almost all possible consequences!

Oh, one other thing.  I feel like a drink.  I deserve one as this is the end of an era, so for this recap, we have a drinking game.  It goes like this:

1 sip for every shot of someone on the phone
1 sip for every shot of the bus.
1 shot for every pedaconference in the eppesode
1 shot for every time a main character appears on a computer / TV screen
1 shot for every time a pair of brothers (real or fictional) appears in the same shot.
2 shots for every time Don appears with an FBI symbol behind him.  (The FBI shirts don’t count.)

Now, if you make it through the eppesode conscious, you may have the highest tolerance for alcohol ever but you may need a new liver.   Therefore, I suggest you only pick two of the options.  You will still be unconscious but your liver should still be working.

Welcome to the second half of season eight, dear readers!  Muchas gracias to Dee for stepping in on the previous two episodes and recapping the hell out of 'em for me.

We pick up where we left off back in November, after a few key events: Clark got Jor-El to exorcise Brainiac from Chloe and strategically remove all her knowledge of Clark's secret in the process.  What a mensch.  Then Lana came back to attend Chloe and Jimmy's wedding, which was, uh, doomed by the attack of Davis Bloome's seven-foot porcupiny alter ego.  Prince Charming then carried the new Mrs. Olsen to the "Brainiacked" (TM Dee) Fortress of Solitude, where she woke up with silver eyes and an expression of supreme satisfaction.

That "just married" glow, no doubt.

We start off this week at one of my favorite types of places in the world, an Italian restaurant.  The owner, Ray Palermo, closes up, though two men remain at their table and show no signs of leaving.  His wife Teresa doesn’t like that one of the men, Mickey Mosconi, always brings his business to the restaurant, and is hesitant to leave her husband alone with the pair.  He assures her that everything will be fine, and the second she leaves Mickey shoots his dinner date dead.  Gotta love that female intuition.  Ray freaks out, asking Mickey what he did, but Mickey shoves the gun into his hand and tells him to take the fall for the murder.  Since Ray paid for the restaurant with his money, Mickey figures that he owes him, and he promises that his people will take care of Ray’s family.  Ray doesn’t have time to think about the situation, since the local police have the fastest response time EVER, so he takes the gun and lets Mickey leave through the back door.

A well-deserved happy ending

Last month, Grissom and his new bestest buddy, Dr. Raymond Langston, tried to trick an imprisoned serial killer into helping them capture his apprentice. While the serial killer's apprentice motif has become trite, I guess I should be grateful that it wasn't revealed to be Greg. Yeah, I'm looking at you, Bones. Also? Grissom told everyone he was taking his toys bugs and going home to parts unknown.

In the midst of freezing NYC temps (it is pretty stinkin' cold here), Liz is looking forward to her yearly Caribbean vaca.  In the style of the French, Liz explains that she can wear dark socks with sandals while lounging on the beach and eat all the soft-serve ice cream her stomach can handle.  I want to go to there.  Alas, Cerie forgot to tell Lemon that the resort is overbooked, meaning Liz will have to spend her holiday hanging with crew guys and flu-sick Kenneth.

photo credit: scott mcdermott

*SQUEAL*

Can you believe we got a third season of this wonderful show?!? What tipped the scales? Was it the mini-footballs inscribed with "CLEAR EYES, FULL HEARTS, CAN'T LOSE" that we rained down on NBC HQ? Was it the quad rugby-inspired stressballs? Or could it have been my sending all 100,000+ words of both seasons' worth of recaps to Jeff Zucker and Ben Silverman? Okay, it was probably that deal NBC made with DIRECTV, but still -- it's a gift, and I'm thankful for it.

It seems Sheldon's problem is over.  He arrives at Violet's door with a hard on and lets her know he's ready.  They go in to her house kissing.

At the office, Cooper and Charlotte share an elevator.  She seems upset and tells him that "Big Daddy" is dying. Cooper thinks it's her boyfriend and makes fun of his name.  She tells him it's her dad and exits the elevator. Wow he must feel like an ass.

Amy PoehlerTV.com reports that Amy Poehler's Office-like (but not a spin-off) NBC sitcom will feature her as a mid-level bureaucrat in the Parks & Recreation department in Pawnee, Indiana, and be shot in the same style as The Office . Rashia Jones, Aziz Asnari and Aubrey Plaza will co-star.

So… yeah.  By now you’ve probably heard that Recapist is shutting down.  Exactly why, however, hasn’t been made abundantly clear to the general populus.  So at the risk of having my recap deleted and/or defiled edited posthaste, let me fill you in. Buzznet, the company that bought Recapist awhile back, has decided it’s not so much into paying its recappers anymore.  But hey, the're cool with the idea of us continuing our contributions to their site - if we’re willing to do it for free.  I’ve very much enjoyed recapping SVU and all my other shows, but… hey Buzznet?  Hells to the no.  A well put together recap takes waaaaaaaaay too much time to do it for free.  So this will be my last SVU recap.  I hope y’all enjoy it.  We start off in classic SVU fashion… a corpse floating its way down the Hudson distracts some fusty seniors from their rather creaky outdoor Tai Chi.  Olivia and Elliot arrive on the scene; the young Jane Doe’s head has been bashed in, and she has puncture wounds to her breastises.  But you ain’t seen nothing yet – the kid’s also got long-term scarring, including some healed cigarette burns.  They do a fancypants carbon dating trick and discover her exact (down to the day!) age (fourteen years twenty days!).  She was dead when she hit the river, ‘cuz there’s no water in her lungs.  Good.  I can’t think of a more disgusting way to die than inhaling skanky syringe-filled Hudson scumwater.  Another schmancy test on her hair reveals that Jane Doe lived in the Ukraine until a few months ago (don’t ask me to explain this test.  It has something to do with water and mineral content.  Or possibly gypsy voodoo magic.).