After a brief break, Scrubs is back. When we last visited Sacred Heart, we found out Nurse Laverne was involved in a car accident. We learn she's suffered major head trauma. The rest of the staff involved themselves in various life-affirming activities. Elliot and Keith had a little horizontal mambo action (although after 5 times, Elliot was still sad.). JD and Turk attempted to take out Kelso's mailbox (unsuccessfully – he had it reinforced with titanium as his wife kept backing the RV into it) and Cox shaved his head again (remember the episode before last? Continuity, line 1!) Carla had to break the news to Laverne's family, which made J.D. wish for a bad news robot.

Oh, thank God, The Office is back! And with a “supersized" episode! Is it me, or does Karen seem to be a bad match for Jim? They simply don't have much in common (but they're both so cute together...) Roy busts into the office and tries to take a swing at Jim, but is thwarted (along with poor Pam) by a burst of pepper spray (courtesy of – who else? – Dwight - who also gets a snootful of the toxic liquid.)

Jan is on the phone with Michael and Toby. Roy has been fired, and Jim's not pressing any charges. Darryl has decided to use this opportunity to ask for a raise. Pam doesn't want to talk about the Roy vs. Jim confrontation. Jim said Roy should be thankful that he was merely hit with pepper spray, as Dwight's office arsenal also included nunchuks and throwing stars. Jim thanked Dwight for his help but he refused any thanks or gifts. Dwight feels he's not a hero. The real heroes are crime fighters á la Batman and Superman. Angela wants a blow-by-blow of the altercation and gets one from Oscar. She was visibly excited to hear about Dwight's heroism. Michael is running through some role-playing scenarios of his meeting with Darryl (portrayed by Jim) aided by Wikipedia, which Michael believes is a trusted source.

A couple is walking upstairs in their house when they realize that young Zoë is at the park. They get excited about the prospect of being home alone so that they can do a little dance...make a little love, etc., but the ultimate mood-killer is found: a dead girl in their bed. Dr. Melinda Warner updates Detective Elliot Stabler and Detective Olivia Benson. The girl suffocated and she plans on doing a rape kit because semen was found on the mattress of the bed where the body was found. At the lab, Dr. Warner explains that the girl suffocated to death. She drank too much and asphyxiated on her own vomit. She drank herself to death. She was not raped; the semen on the mattress belonged to the homeowner. Yikes, I hope they never find a dead body in my sock drawer or they will think that the world's largest gang-bang took place in my closet. Detectives Stabler and Benson interview the cleanliness-challenged homeowners about the identity of the girl. The homeowners state that they have never seen her before, but they are positive that she didn't get the booze from them. The husband admits to being a recovering alcoholic with three years of sobriety but, luckily for us viewers, Stabler interrupts him before he gets too preachy and self-congratulatory to find out who else may have had a house key.

A man is found dead outside of a church. He is naked and his eyes had been ripped out. As if that weren't enough, he had also been sodomized and gagged with a bag of methamphetamine pills. One can only wonder in what order these things happened, but I am guessing that he was naked and gagging on the pills and whoever was giving him the Heimlich maneuver got a little carried away and accidentally slipped in the back door and then thrust so hard that he popped the poor guy's eyes out. Of course, this is why I am not a detective. Turns out his eyes were eaten posthumously by the black crows hanging out in the graveyard (literally the birds not the hippie stoner-rock band).

The bag of meth pills lead the detectives to think that this may have been some sort of drug deal gone bad, but a run of the victim's DNA through the super-computer doesn't turn up anything. Captain Donald Cragen suggests that they set up a sting and try to lure the killer/rapist back to finish the job. The detectives Photoshop the crime scene photo to make it look like Oedipus himself is still alive and in a coma and they publish the hospital where he is supposedly recovering. Then, Detectives Elliot Stabler and Olivia Benson go undercover and wait...

I know that when I post my recaps about a month or so after they're actually due (hello, editors? can we get a "PCJ Recapper Gone Bad" tag?), I'm not doing my part to bang the drum for 30 Rock, which is one of my many beloved but underwatched shows of the season. The Rock doesn't have the superiority complex of "Studio 60" (another show which is short a few recaps for this site), and is actually entertaining. If you haven't started watching "30 Rock", please feel free to use the following list to catch up before the next new episodes begin airing again in April.

Elliot had a terminal patient and was trying to find something to ease her pain. All that the patient wanted was to see her dog. Elliot attempted to appeal to Kelso to allow the dog in the hospital, but he ignored her – much as he had since she went into private practice. (Elliot also didn't endear herself to Kelso when she brought up his late pooch.) Kelso continued to deny her request. Turk and Carla hired a hot nanny – a concern for Turk, but J.D. was really happy to see her.

Elliot recruits the janitor to sneak her patient's dog into the hospital in his cleaning cart (thank God he was wasted the night before and threw all of his cleaning supplies up in a tree.) Jordan is on bed rest – thanks to her pre-natal surgery, so Cox was working overtime. She's got the usual cravings for white chocolate, strawberry seltzer, peppercorn brie, and Viggo Mortensen movies. Cox is ready to kill himself. Turk informs J.D. that he has a video from the “Nanny Cam" of the new nanny, Heather. Todd put the word out (he has a magical horn that bellows “Boobies" instead of “Ricola") and the male members of the staff magically appeared to watch the tape. Elliot's patient was happy to see her dog and her vitals reflected her happiness. Laverne has a theological discussion with Cox – about everything happening for a reason - complete with Bible quotes (I really think she's going to be the cast member who doesn't go on to the next season.) Carla found the boys watching the video which launched into a very elaborate “guy lie" involving a churro vendor strike during Mexican football season. Turk thinks he's in the clear, Carla thinks otherwise – she's not as dumb as the boys hoped she was. Yay, Carla!

Yep, there's going to be a new season of "Last Comic Standing." NBC is doing a bit of retooling for the fifth season, including replacing the incredibly life-like Anthony Clark with actor/comedian Bill Bellamy (from one of my husband's favorite flicks, "Buying the Cow") and auditioning comics from outside the US and A (auditions were held in Syndey, London and Montreal.) I'm hoping the fresh blood will make for a fun summer series.

Last season, I brought you the story of Canada Anne, who auditioned for, but didn't make the cut. She has again auditioned, and her story (including her experience with gratingly annoying "comic" (and LCS alum) Ant) is after the jump. (Spoiler alert!)

The show opens with Detective Elliot Stabler and his family at church. His daughters openly show their anger toward their father, while his son is an altar boy who proudly waves to his father after the ceremony. You would think that a man who makes his living by investigating sex crimes would know better than to let his son be an altar boy in a Catholic Church, but apparently “parenting" isn't one of Stabler's strong points. At the end of the service, Father Dennis asks to Stabler to speak with a dying man, who is staying at his hospice, the Haven House. The priest thinks the man has something he wants to confess.

Detective Stabler goes to the Haven House to interview the dying man. The man is Judson Tierney, played by Brian Dennehy, who is in his final days of a losing battle with lung cancer. Unfortunately, there are no miraculous healing cocoons at the Haven House, but there is plenty of morphine, which is just as fun and is also covered by his health insurance. Judson Tierney says he does have something to confess and promises to reveal everything if Stabler can get his daughter to visit him. Stabler is intrigued and resists asking Tierney, “Do I look like the Make-A-Wish Foundation?" By the way, the Make-A-Wish foundation is a fraud because they denied my wish to hunt baby panda bears with Ted Nugent on the grounds that chlamydia is not a terminal disease and that I am not a needy child. Really? Because just about every girlfriend I have ever had would testify that I am.

Well, tonight's episode opens with a surprising insight about Kelso – he actually cares about others – well, at least about some unnamed woman he meets in the park (played by Victoria Tenant, Steve Martin's ex-wife, whose best known – to me at least – as the "cheap slut sex poodle" in All of Me.) Apparently Kelso tries to trade his lunch with ol' Vicki – today Enid packed him a stapler and a golf ball. Luckily, Vic is willing to share an apple with the good doctor. Kelso notices that Vic's/Maggie's foot looks rather questionable and he brings her to Sacred Heart for treatment. Unfortunately for Maggie, she has no insurance. The doctors have to shuffle to get her treated – piggybacking on recently deceased patients, bribing the guys at the morgue and getting a surgeon to work pro-bono (The Todd volunteered that he's had a pro bono all morning – but Turk took her case.) The staff had to go as far as to keep Maggie's presence from Kelso, so Turk and JD offered to take him for a spa day, complete with massages. Kelso, conveniently, knows of a little place. There, Turk (afflicted with a nasty crick in the neck) is forced to watch Kelso enjoy a "Shanghai Surprise".

The show opens with two teenagers that are about lose their virginity in Central Park. Just as the young man is about to finally seal the deal and subsequently lose all interest in his girlfriend, a dog runs up barking and cockblocks him. “What's that Lassie? A woman has been raped and left gasping for breath just a few steps away? Good girl..." The young girl, her boyfriend, and his blue balls run to see what the dog was barking about and indeed find a woman struggling for breath and a man in a trenchcoat running away. They ask her if she has been raped and she nods before passing out.

Aaahhhh....this really took me back to my “first time". She was a uni-browed Carney who taught me the mysterious joys of lovemaking on top of a majestic heap of bagged cotton candy and at the peak of my ecstasy she finished me off by sticking a caramel apple up my butt. I still get a feeling of deep desire and romance every year when they start setting up the Farris Wheel. But I won't bore you with the same old story of growing into manhood and trying to scrub caramel out of your ass.