Emotionless? What are you talking about? This IS my mad face!Previously on Bionic Woman: Antonio selflessly took a bullet for Jaime, then dropped dead right in front of her.  Jaime reacted pretty much in the same way that she reacts to everything (from being chased by terrorists to complimented by a hot man).  Read: a bland yet somehow still cute expression which makes me think of JC Penney catalog models.  Okay.  I can't hold it in any longer.  Where's the angst?  This is supposed to be a drama!  Is it at all possible to wring some real feeling out of this chick?  And speaking of real feeling, where did Sarah Corvus go?  The camera pans across Katee Sackhoff's face for two seconds and it's like a punch to the gut, but we zoom in on Jaime 158962254 times per episode and I'm left with one thought: "Meh."  Michelle Ryan, you need to step it up a few notches.  In the spirit of change through snark, I'm not going to pull any punches.  So sorry, Bionic Woman, but it's just got to be said. 

I swear! I'm just protecting him from a sniper's bullet! I swear!As we open on this week's Bionic Woman, Jaime is following a shady dude with a big honkin' suitcase.  Having her do spy duty is pretty sneaky, since she doesn't look anything like a threat as she chats bubbleheadedly on her cell with her boyfriend.  They've got a big "meet the little sis" date night planned. As she's distracted by the flirtfest, the shady dude makes a classic Bond-style suitcase switch.  Jaime sees her mistake a little too late, and Tom tells her not to do anything crazy as she hangs up on him to chase down Shady Guy #2, who takes off in a car.  I think I've figured out a theme here: every time Jaime's bionic legs kick in, we will hear a noise like, "boyoyoyinnng!" and get a gratuitous slo-mo shot before she goes into hyperwarp.  Boyoyoyinnng!  Jaime runs after the car before jumping and landing in its path.  She hops onto the hood like some kind of demented frog, then jumps back and watches as her technique pays off.  The car crashes dramatically, and Jaime calmly checks the unconscious driver's pulse before snagging the suitcase.  She casually strolls away, calling Tom back.  Where were they?  Oh yeah.  Don't do anything crazy.  I have to admit, that scene was pretty badass.

Je suis completement soulée!Unless you have been hiding in a cave somewhere in Antarctica (wearing earplugs and a blindfold), by now you know that NBC has gone "green" for the week.  Their methods for saving the planet include: 1. Turning that little peacock symbol thing down at the bottom of the screen green; and 2: Having various show cast members give "Green Tips" during commercial breaks.  The ever-so-environmentally conscious  message during Bionic Woman?  A clip of those two guys from Chuck sharing a stick of already-been-chewed gum while intoning, "Don't forget to reduce, reuse, and recycle!"  Way to go, NBC!  Nothing says "conservation" like sharing spit with your closest friends.

 Are all CIA agents as hot as you? 'Cuz if they are, sign me up!

Last week on Bionic Woman: my stupid local station, News Channel 8, had this scrolly thing going across the bottom of the screen.  The scrolly thing informed me and the rest of the Metropolitan area that due to a basketball game, this week's Bionic Woman was being bumped to Thursday at 7:00.  Hey, News Channel 8!  Up yours, you bunch of sports-favoring, sci-fi prejudiced douchebags!  Nobody important cares about the Portland Trailblazers!  And you've made my recap late!  That's especially frustrating since this episode's name sounds for all the world like the title of a porn movie.  I really wanted to know what was going to happen.  Ahem.  Okay, enough TV geek indignation.  Bring on the bionics, already!

Thank you, thank you... I'll be here all night!

We open on Jaime using those bionics to the fullest.  She belts at top speed down an alley, zooming in on a car in the distance with her cool scanner vision.  Our heroine vaults over a fence topped with barbed wire, landing hard on the other side.  Is she after Al Quaida?  Chasing down the Russian Mafia?  Or is she just a big fan of Run Lola Run?  We're about to find out.  Jaime yanks open the car door and finds a horrific surprise within.  Not so much Osama Bin Laden as one (fifteen year old) sister, who is currently making out with a random teenaged guy.  Jaime drags Becca out of the car and yells at her for smooching with a guy with such a terrible haircut about lying, before grabbing her by the ear and dragging her away.  Later at Berkut, Jaime gets her toe examined; she damaged it upon busting up her sister's backseat romp.  Jaime's still upset about the lying, even though the techie who's fixing her points out that she's not exactly Truthy McHonest herself.  The techie performs some conveniently offscreen zappy therapy and Jaime is healed.  Dammit - the morbid side of me really wanted to see that mangled bionic toe.

 Wheeeeee!

Jaime Sommers, the Bionic Woman, has millions of dollars worth of technology embedded in her bod.  But apparently the company that rebuilt her can't afford to spend fifty cents on a scrunchie.  As we open on a sparring match with Jae, Jaime's hair resembles a sweaty mop that's been turned upside down and sent through a category five wind tunnel.  Doncha think she'd fight better without that hair all up in her face?  C'mon, Berkut Group!  Get this woman a Topsy Tail or something! 

Darling, of course I forgive you for shooting me in the head!

This week's Bionic Woman kicks off with a somber funeral for one William Anthros.  Remember him? Jaime's boyfriend?  Who survived their horrific car crash just long enough to solder some Cylon-esque appendages onto his beloved's body, then promptly got popped through a plate-glass window courtesy of  Sarah Corvus?  I've gotta admit, I'm kind of dumbfounded - I didn't think that Will would die, because his wound seemed like a nick to the shoulder.  Upon further consideration, though, I suppose it's fitting that Jaime be conveniently unattached and therefore able to partake in "alien of the week" (à la Star Trek) storylines.  Single characters in TV Dramaland are generally far more interesting than attached ones, doncha think?  Besides.  Will was a tool.  She can do better.  End of plotline.  Next!

Everything's more dramatic in the rain!I have a confession to make, everyone: I know virtually nothing about the original Bionic Woman.  Just how scant is my knowledge of the 70's TV series?  Well, it all comes from observations of a co-worker's vintage Bionic Woman lunchbox, which sports faded images of a chick in a groovy yellow pantsuit, with a Farrah Fawcett feathered 'do and a big Colgate grin.  That's pretty much the only reference I've got in my brain to oldschool Bionic Woman.  Which in a way is a good thing, right?  I'm coming into this highly anticipated series premiere with a completely clean slate.  Right?  Anyhoo, The newer, hopefully pantsuit-free Bionic Woman starts off at 4:28 A.M. at the Wolf Creek Biotech Research Facility.  Some G.I. Joe types, led by a broody head honcho, gallop past the bloody bodies of several maimed doctors before coming upon a blonde woman, barefoot in a hospital gown and streaked with blood.  And... oh my holy frakking Gods... it's Starbuck Katee Sackhoff!!!  I have to get this out of the way right now, y'all: words cannot adequately describe how much I adore Katee Sackhoff.  I will be squeeing frequently all over her in this recap.  Anyhoo, Katee's all shaky and crying as she tells the head guy that she didn't want to do this; she's not in control.  "Tell me you love me," she trembles.  Then with a sudden animalistic scream she launches herself at him.  He lifts his gun and shoots her out of midair.  Katee hits the ground and lies there in a pathetic heap.  "I love you," he says.  He raises his gun and shoots her again.  Awesome.