This isn't what it looks like, Sara. It's totally platonic, I swear.

Twas the night before Halloween
When all through the Strip
Every deviant was stirring
And not one leaves a tip.
The shops were robbed in the casinos' bright glare
No fear; brave Nicholas soon would be there.

The Case of the Living Dead, aka I See The Zombie Theme Continues

The body of a young woman is found standing next to a lamppost in the park. With her casual stance and cell phone against her ear, she looks remarkably lively for a dead girl, although the rigor bruises in her legs are a dead giveaway. Get it? "Dead" giveaway? Thank you, I'll be here all week. Catherine remembers there was dry lightning in the area the night before and thinks she was executed while leaning against the pole but Grissom's skeptical. He also thinks it's unusual when they discover her purse has no contents and the only call in her brand new phone was to Moviefone. Further investigation proves that Carla Peretti wasn't struck by lightning and she didn't have a medical history of seizures, so the investigators are stymied when they can't figure out how she died standing up.

Would you let this woman walk away? TWICE?

What has three plots, only one of which is interesting? THIS SHOW! Someday I'm going to kidnap a CSI writer just to ask how they can have an amazing episode one week and a stultifyingly boring one the next. Is writing a good script just that exhausting that they have to take really long naps and let the interns take over occasionally?

Don't go into the neon light, Warrick!

Previously on CSI: Sara broke my Grissom's heart when she left, Warrick got drugged up and screwed a stripper who ended up murdered in his car in one of the worst episodes ever, there was a strike, then Warrick was shot in the neck by Captain Underpants. It was not a good year for the Las Vegas Crime Lab.

Maybe he's on his knees to pray for a miracle that will get him off the hook.

Previously on CSI: Warrick got drunk and hooked up with a stripper.  Subsequently, horrified viewers were subjected to the most painful, cheesy montage in the history of television.  No, not just the history of television.  The history of entertainment.  I’m a diehard fan, and I had to change the channel - it was just that embarrassing.  Anyhoo, the stripper ended up dead (assumedly murdered by a mob boss named Gedda), and I wasn’t sad because I really wanted to avoid more cringeworthy drunken stripper montages.  Warrick was sad, though.  And pissed off at Gedda.  And also, almost fired by Grissom.  

Oh, funny episodes, you make my soul hurt. So enjoyable to watch, so difficult to recap. And this one is even worse because it was written by veteran sitcom writers Chuck Lorre and Lee Aronsohn, on loan this week from Two and a Half Men. All right, the whining will stop. We open with Peg Bundy Katey Sagal sitcom star Annabelle berating her executive producer over the woman-hating script. She and the producer, Spencer, repeat the word "vagina" so many times that it stops sounding like a real world. After ripping Spencer to shreds, Annabelle steps off the elevator and faux-warmly greets her adoring public.

It's a beautiful typical day night in the CSIhood. Bored cops hang around the front desk while a crazy woman in a tinfoil suit rants about the coming of the aliens. She's obviously familiar to the cops and they humor her, as does Nicky, who throws "Evelyn" a friendly greeting before heading off to an interrogation room. Incidentally, Evelyn is played by Chloe Webb, who co-starred with Marg Helgenberger in China Beach. Sadly, there are no scenes between Evelyn and Catherine. Also sadly, China Beach still isn't out on DVD.

Drops! Drops is back! YAY! But before we get to the awesomeness of Drops, first we open on a young blonde woman walking down an apartment building hallway. She looks nervous and for good cause, because when she enters an apartment she's blown away by about a gazillion gunshots fired by a shadowy figure.

After SuperDave ascertains that the victim died from a gazillion gunshot wounds, Grissom and Greg get to work figuring out exactly what happened. Greg finds seven shell casings and begins his search for the corresponding bullets, but Grissom is distracted by a blood drop. He's fascinated because it's not near the victim and it's perfectly circular, meaning it dropped straight down instead of dripping off someone who was moving. He looks up and, seeing a hole in the ceiling, asks for a teeny periscope gadget. Well, he calls it the Hawkeye but I prefer my name. Anyway, he sticks it in the hole (dirty!) and peers around the upstairs apartment, finally coming face to teeny periscope gadget lens, as it were, with the corpse of a dead elderly woman. Because Grissom never met a pun he didn't like, he zips us to the credits with a pithy "this crime has a second story" remark.

Oh, yippie. A dead baby case. Those are always such a joy to recap, almost as much fun as recapping nearly five hours of American Idol in three days. Maybe I'll get extra lucky and Bones' return on Monday will be a Very Special Cam Episode.

We open on a bad comedian getting heckled in a menacing fashion by some dude he can't see because of the stage lights. Later, the comedian's walking to his car when he's almost run down by a car containing a drunken fanboy, a Jonah Hill type. When the comedian finally gets in his own car and turns on the GPS, he sees a large box behind his car. Later, the CSIs have arrived and we see the blanket-wrapped body of a little girl in the box. With somber expressions, Grissom and Catherine get to work. There's no pre-credits quip, because this is Serious Fucking Business.

Three months ago, I said I thought the strike would kill the rest of season eight. I was wrong, and that is why the closest I will get to Las Vegas is recapping this show. Anyway, welcome back! When we last left the gang Sara had taken a sabbatical (SHUT UP, she IS coming back), Grissom was alternately mopey and cranky, Catherine was hot, Nicky was also hot, Greg was adorably annoyed with Grissom for letting Sara get away, Brass was awesome and snarky, Hodges was crushing on Wendy, Doc Robbins was hilariously creepy as ever, and Warrick was saddled with the worst personal storyline I think this show has ever seen.