Sara Sidle is one badass mofo

Previously on CSI: the entire miniature killer arc happened. At the end, the batshit crazy Natalie Davis was arrested, but not before she kidnapped Sara and left her pinned under a car in the middle of the desert. Will Sara live or die? More importantly, will I have a nervous breakdown before finding out if Sara will live or die?

This was one of those odd episodes that had such a gripping, breath-taking ending that the inclination is strong to declare the whole thing brilliant, but on second viewing the flaws in the storytelling become evident. At the end of the seventh season, we get CSI's first cliffhanger ever, and aside from two incredible performances by William Petersen and Jessica Collins and the actual cliffhanger, the episode was good. Not amazing, not perfect, not the best hour of TV or even the best hour of CSI. Simply good. It ended up being both a suspenseful and slightly disappointing way to end what's been the most creative season of CSI ever.

So, Lady Heather. Hottest TV dominatrix ever? Y/Y/MFY. Discuss.

A shadowy figure wearing a leather duster and a cowboy hat pushes through the doors of an old West-style saloon. Lady Heather, looking stunning in a red gown, turns around and tells her guest that he's late. Cut to later and Lady Heather gasps for air as the man chokes her with a rope, ordering her to "say it." Presumably, he's referring to her safe word. Dude, it's Lady freakin' Heather. I think you'll be waiting forever for her to say that.

I have a feeling that I'm going to need to save my energy for the final two episodes of the season so I'm presenting this recap in brief, handy dandy bullet points. Fitting, since the episode started out with a gun battle. Get it? Bullet points? Gun battle? GEDDIT? Ahem.

• Shootout! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! The dude in the cabin gives up firing at Brass and the Brassettes, corners himself in a hallway, then shoots himself in the head. Ew, brains. Unless you're a zombie. Then it's "mmmm, brains."
  
  

In the cold open, we see shots of a boxer past his prime training intercut with the same guy throwing a succession of women down on beds and screwing them while they stare dead-eyed at the ceiling. It's a bit of grim tone to set, since the rest of the episode is so darkly humorous. Anyway, the boxer ends up floating dead in a pool and Grissom and Sara have been called out to investigate. The boxer, Lorenzo "Happy" Morales, was found dead at a brothel, the Sugar Cane Ranch. Grissom and Sara investigate the body and note contusions, as well as two large holes in his neck that might be gunshot wounds. Sara observes that the water in the pool is warm and Grissom tells her that brothels keep them heated so the girls are encouraged to swim topless. At her look, he adds, "So they tell me." Heh. Credits.

First off, I want to give major thanks to Tamara A., who let me know that "Meet Market" was the last episode in which there were two unrelated cases. She was also kind enough to not mock me for forgetting something that only happened five episodes ago, although mockery would certainly have been well-deserved.

Dear CSI,

Thank you for kickstarting this episode with gratuitous lesbianism that had nothing to do with the plot. It's always appreciated. However, the next time you want to do something like that, please have it be Sara and Sofia making out.

Love,
Annie

Immediately following the Hot! Girl! On! Girl! Action!, shots are heard and a limo careens into the crowd outside a nightclub. Nobody in the crowd is seriously injured but inside the limo, Champ Landley has scattered his blood and brain matter all over the champagne and cocaine. How rude. Brass tells an officer to collect cellphones from the crowd by telling them their pictures and videos will be on the news, then heads over to chat with Champ's companion in the limo, Drops. Many of you may remember Drops from the season six episode "Poppin' Tags." He's just as incorrigibly charming as he was then, even covered in blood and brains, and insists that he has no idea who would want to shoot at him and Champ, since he's an innocent, law-abiding model citizen and all. Brass is all, "Riiiiiight." He tells Drops that he'll have to go down to the station to give a statement, his clothing, and a DNA sample.

CBS warns me that tonight's episode contains adult content and viewer discretion is advised. I'd like to think it means we'll see Grissom and Sara sexing it up with each other, but I know the adult content is not going to be that fun. I have watched CSI before, you know.

Five showgirls are discovered brutally murdered in the house they shared. Sara arrives on the scene, greeting Warrick and then Grissom, to whom she wryly informs, "My date got canceled." Grissom smiles and tells her, "I'm sure he had a good excuse." Their cuteness seriously makes me grin like an idiot sometimes, even when it's displayed in the middle of a house full of bodies. There are actually six residents of the house but the person who discovered the bodies, the boyfriend of one of the victims, says he didn't find the sixth girl so she must've gotten very lucky and not come home that night. Wellllll...not so much. When Sara is investigating one of the bedrooms, the sixth girl, barely alive, lashes out from under the bed and scratches Sara's face. I shriek and jump about ten feet, as does Sara. She pulls her gun but when she realizes her attacker is one of the victims, she calls for help. Sara grasps the victim's hand and tells her to hold on but the victim, who is able to gasp out her name - Cammie - and a few barely coherent words, tragically dies before help can arrive. Sara looks completely devastated. This is only the first of many times I will say, "Poor Sara!" during the episode. Forget the six dead girls; for me, it's all about Sara's emo pain.