Tonight was the magical night where the next American Inventor would be named. Last week's eternity-long episode whittled down the six finalists to just three. The conclusion of last week's episode begged for the ten viewers willing to invest two hours into an endless series of montages to vote. So tonight, after an hour of endless montages, the winner would be announced. I could hardly wait.

The six finalists from each city were chosen and on tonight's episode we got to see what they did with the $50,000 investment to make it to the final three. All the lunatics and reality television whores had been cleared out and the horrendous "audition phase" is finally over. But now what? Now, we don't need to be told sob story backgrounds in order to watch true disappointment from the contestants. During the audition phase we got to see losers losing which had some comic value but doesn't compare to watching losers get pumped full of hope and then losing. Yes, I had some high hopes about tonight's episode.

This week's American Inventor promised to deliver the Houston and Tampa finalists. The final finalists you might say. The winners from this week will face the already named finalists from the other cities for the million dollar prize. Last week's contestants left a lot to be desired for and I was hoping that they were just saving the best for last.

The first contestant guaranteed that the show started with a bang. The bang of my remote smashing into my television set after I threw it in complete disgust. This woman doesn't even belong on this show but I am going to talk about her because I have learned that when I bottle up my anger it is the people that I truly care about that get hurt. So, excuse me for giving this bitch way too much time, but I will never get my chance to be a Boy Scout leader if I get one more domestic violence conviction on my record. Rose is an old hag from Utah who walks onto stage with nothing but a boom box and an outfit which can only be titled "sequined mormon nightmare". She said her "invention" is a love test and then proceeds to sing the most hokey and generic song about a love test. I though this was merely an introduction to some sort of accurate penis measurer or googles that allow the wearer to see a man's bank account balance by staring at his debit card but nope, the song was the invention. The worst part is that the judges are as confused as I am and so they let this red-headed wrinkle sing the whole damn song. This woman got on stage for American inventor and sang a song and acted like she had every right to do so. The judges all made fun of her and told her that she was on the wrong show but it wasn't enough. Only blood could have cleansed the damage done and, alas, her trespass against humanity went unpunished. Die slowly, Rose, die lonely you liar.

This week American Inventor set up shop in Tampa and Houston in an attempt to get some real inventions from some real people. My hopes were high because I figured that maybe the large percentage of lunatics and wannabe reality television stars that were clogging up the stage was due to the fact that, up until now, the tryouts had been held in L.A., Chicago, San Francisco, and New York. L.A. and New York are barely considered to be part of America by many of the good ol' folks in the South.

This week on American Inventor the judges are still searching for finalists in New York and Chicago. So far neither city had produced any prototypes that really excited the judges but this week's episode was the deadline so we knew they had to pick somebody no matter how far they had to drop the bar. I am hoping that the producers of this show are saving the best for last and that I will finally get to see something cool, or hell, something that isn't ridiculous. My hopes were high...

Okay, everyone knows how disappointed I was with the inventors of Los Angeles and San Francisco. Not to mention how depressing it was to watch last week when every single contestant had a sob story, handicap, or dead relative to go with it. My hopes were high this week that Chicago and New York would have more to offer than air fresheners and Jerry's Kids. The theme this week apparently was the old, the immigrant, and the, like always on this show, the clinically insane.

This week's installment of American Inventor brought us more competition from Los Angeles and San Francisco. This week's winners would be judged against last week's and ultimately one $50,000 winner would be selected from each city. Once again the contestants were mostly crazy people who all referred to their inventions as "revolutionary" and "life changing" and they all promised that they would one day be famous for it. Famous? As in saw-you-on-tv-making-an-ass-out-of-yourself-with-your-dumb-idea famous? Wow, they were right. This episode had more tears than last episode and the sympathy card went very far in eliciting a "yes" vote from the four judges. Well, George Foreman would have given them yes votes anyways because he gives everyone yes votes. In fact, the only suspense that George adds to this show is trying to guess what color of vest he will be wearing in the next scene.

Benson and Stabler arrive at the scene of the crime where a baby has been raped and thrown off the roof of a ten-story building with the words "Ludacris wuz here" written on its tiny baby-torso in bright red lipstick. Oh, wait, I'm sorry. I am so used to recapping "Law & Order: SVU" that I suppose it has gotten the best of me.

It's summer time and thus the beginning of a brand new set of reality television. It's as American as apple pie, baseball, and preemptive wars. Tonight was, in my opinion, a fantastic beginning for this season's "American Inventor." Inventors, wannabes, and the pathetically insane all gather to try to please a panel of four judges who decide if each contestant's "invention" is worthy of a $50 million grand investment. From there, they will compete with other winners from different cities for the multi-million-dollar grand prize. I will use the term "winners" here very loosely, because they all seem like they have spent way too much time in their mothers' basements, working out these "inventions" and not enough time learning to socialize with other human beings.