Welcome to the SAG Awards, otherwise known as the only watchable awards show this season, unless the strike ends or the WGA decides to be benevolent towards the Academy Awards. This ain't no press conference, y'all. Although, I have to admit, the Golden Globes press conference did prevent me from seeing an entire night of Miss Golden Globe Rumer Willis. Did that kid hit zero on the genetic lottery or what? You'd think two totally hot people like Bruce Willis and Demi Moore would have spectacularly gorgeous spawn, but I guess not all celebrity kids can be like Suri, Shiloh or, my personal favorite, Violet. To be honest, I'm a little worried about how Halle Berry's kid will turn out.

All times EST unless otherwise noted.

I'm writing from my parents' living room. I left my home in the Midwest for a trip home to Queens to see family, friends, and eat noodles at Momofuku. Also, as long as I am here (and away from my DVR, which holds about 80% of the stuff I have yet to recap months after the fact), I might as well be productive.

9:30: It's 30 minutes in, two awards have been given out, and I'm still wondering: what the f**k was Britney thinking? Extensions looked cheap, she could barely remember the steps, and (I'm sorry to say this) but she looked fat. Out of it. Nervous. At least she managed to stay clothed, even though she could not walk in her (admittedly fabulous) boots.

9:01: Dane Cook returns to pollute the airwaves. More hahas about Paris Hilton who was offended at Sarah's opening remarks she checked into jail early. Spoof #3. United 300.

9:02: The Orbit Dirtiest Mouth from a Movie with the Fun British Blonde. Nominees are Clerks 2, Jackass 2, Smokin' Aces and Employee of the Month. The winner is Clerks 2. Tepid applause.

9:03: Commercial break.

Events are updated in real-time, so keep reloading!

Buzzword for the evening: Foibles.

8:04: Sarah Silverman's tone is established. No swear words yet though : (

8:05: Sarah is foxy in a cute black dress with spaghetti straps. Lily Allen's "Smile" plays in the background.

8:06: Sarah puts the producers on the spot when she makes a joke about Spiderman 3 + black people and the camera cuts to Samuel L. Jackson. She big ups Adam Sandlers, Jack Nicholson -- "You have been in every single one of my favorite actresses."

(Events are updated in real-time, so keep reloading this post, readers!)

Setting: Universal City, CA

7:35: New MTV local hottie, Tim Kash, rolls out of a Transformer. Segues into a clip from the upcoming Transformers movie and I wilt because Transformers was always about more than meeting the eye and not skimpy babes in mini-skirts.

7:36: Paris Hilton struts. Oh girl, enjoy your last few days of freedom.