To say that this show lacks any real depth is, quite frankly, an understatement. James, played Michael Vartan, is the only character who provides any sustenance. Maybe while the writers are on “vacation” they’ll realize this and cut back on some of the other storylines. I can only sit through so many tranny jokes and awkward moments with an ex-mistress… Oh, let’s cut the crap. What I’m trying to say is bring back “Alias.” We can start by getting rid of Dylan McDermott (he’ll find something to do on the Hallmark Channel), ditching Christopher Titus (he’ll just be thankful for the experience), and keeping Joshua Malina (only if he agrees to play Toby from “The West Wing”). Plus, I hear Jennifer Garner is available. Think about it, ABC. Think about it.

There’s actually a lot of resolution in this episode so maybe that will make letting some of the characters go a little easier. First up, we’ve got the Duncan-is-a-daddy-again storyline. At the end of the last episode we find out that Zack might be Duncan’s spawn. Cam and Duncan both resist this idea at first, but with a little blood work we find out that Zack is his kid. His mom is some bar wench from Jersey City who goes by the name “Bullsie.” For some reason, I’m picturing a 300 pound butch lesbian with a tattoo on her arm that says “pussy patrol.” Now that would be a good storyline.

I just realized that the name of the country club where the guys hang out at is called “Firmwood.” I’d be curious to know what the requirements for membership of this club are. But, I’m also curious to know what Britney Spears does when she’s not drinking fraps or driving pantyless for the paparazzi, so maybe my quest for knowledge shouldn’t be trusted.

Just trust my recaps… and my taste for collectable Elvis spoons.

Duncan is still obsessed with getting Lisbeth back, but it looks like she’s moved on with Terrence. Lisbeth’s birthday is coming up, though, and Duncan thinks that by giving her a new car she’ll not only drop her panties, she’ll drop Terrence too. It’s a no go, and instead of graciously accepting Duncan’s gift, Lisbeth tells him that she doesn’t love him anymore. Duncan gets really drunk to numb (is there another reason to drink?) his pain and ends up at Lisbeth’s to collect the car. Lisbeth isn’t home and a very intoxicated Duncan helps himself to the car. Duncan gets as far as turning the ignition on before he passes out. Lisbeth comes home to find Duncan in the garage nearly dead. If only all potential drunk drivers would be exposed to carbon monoxide!

Duncan doesn’t die and when he wakes up in the hospital he finds a very worried Lisbeth who thinks he was trying to kill himself. This somehow convinces him that she is actually still in love with him. In one last attempt to get her back, Duncan shows up at Lisbeth’s birthday party at “Firmwood” and proposes marriage. Terrence beat him to it, though, and sad puppy dog eyes ensue. I don’t think Terrence is a very likable character, so I don’t think this storyline is going to last long. Plus, a monogamous character on this show would be sacrilegious. I’m ignoring Christopher Titus’ character, of course.

If I hear the words “little black book” or “knobber” ever again I’ll throw my TIVO into the ocean. It’ll be all dramatic and stuff too, just like that old lady in Titanic. Thankfully, though, I don’t think we’ll have to worry about that. The damn Dontrelle storyline looks like it’s finally ran its course. Happy trails, Dontrelle! Here’s to hoping you can afford to buy that vagina soon!

At the end of the last episode, Duncan received an anonymous text message from the keeper of the little black book. As we wait for the demands of the blackmailer this episode, Duncan and Lisbeth prepare to leave town for the weekend to rekindle their romance. Just as they are packing up the car to leave, Duncan receives instructions to have $100,000 ready at 10PM and to wait for a drop-off location. Duncan tells Lisbeth that the Japanese are attempting a takeover of Reveal Cosmetics and that he must head to the office. Vacay cancelled! Lisbeth takes it surprisingly well… for now.

First, let me just say that “Big Shots” seems to be improving with each episode. Better writing, better acting, better lighting, and all that jazz. Still no Emmy winner (although a nom for Dontrelle would be nice), but watchable. Now, if I could just remember where I left my dignity? Oh right, it’s behind that DVD box set of “Save by the Bell: The College Years.” *shame*

Duncan’s little black book saga continues this episode. Brody finds out from Dontrelle (yeah! We get a whole minute with Dontrelle) where the black book might be. We also find out that Duncan’s archenemy, Terrence, bailed Dontrelle out of jail in exchange for the same intelligence on the black book. So we’ve got a battle on our hands between those who want to destroy the black book and those who want to publish it. Winner takes all. And by all, I mean Lisbeth’s fine lookin’ ass, because that’s really what this whole mess seems to be about.

Duncan and Lisbeth continue their crazy attempt at monogamy. It couldn’t come at a worse time for Duncan though; it’s Fashion Week! Apparently, that means a lot of tall, skinny chicks without any self-esteem will be all about trying to score with the CEO of a major cosmetics company. How is this different from any other day, you ask? Beats me, so let’s just go with it. It’s better if we don’t ask any questions. Writers don’t like that. Anyhoot, Duncan’s daughter, Cam, seems oddly obsessed with catching her dad cheating on her mom. She glares at him periodically. That’s some Village of the Damned shit. Scary. It’s effective, though, as Duncan rebukes the titties of multiple women this episode. In a twist, however, it turns out that Lisbeth is cheating on Duncan with Terrence. FYI, ladies, Terrence wouldn’t be nearly as attractive as he seems without that hot British accent. Keep that in perspective.... especially when on holiday in the UK.

There was a lot of tranny-talk this episode, but no trannies actually made an appearance. Dammit. Don’t they realize that Dontrelle is the most interesting character on the show? If this show is going to survive until next season it’s going to need a lot more transsexuals (female to male works too). You hear that ABC?

I guess we were Dontrelle-less this episode because she was in the clink. At the end of the last episode the PoPo picked her up for trickin’, and add insult to injury, her little black book was confiscated. Her Johns are going to be sooo pissed. Especially the ones that had to broker deals with their arch-enemies so as not to make their dalliances public. Ooh, sorry Duncan. Although, and this one’s cute, Duncan gave a fake name to Dontrelle; Brody’s. Ooh, sorry Brody. This makes absolutely no sense, though, because Dontrelle clearly knew who Duncan was… she showed up at his work place for Jimmy Choo‘s sake! How do they know that it’s only Brody’s name in that book and not Duncan’s!? Why does this bother me so much!? Is anybody besides me still watching this show!? Is anybody besides my mother still reading this recap!? (Hi Mom!)

*deep breath* Brody will fix everything because that’s what he does. He knows an Officer in the 22nd precinct that he can bribe. The Officer doesn’t want money though; he wants his fugly daughter (who actually isn’t that fugly) to be a junior model for Reveal Cosmetics. A misogynic and cruel photo shoot ensues. HI.LAR.I.OUS. My warning to the feminists still stands.

Let’s talk about James and Stacey first because, frankly, I can’t wait to get this storyline over with. Not only is Stacey a backstabbing-lying-whore, but she also has no sense of fashion. I hated that effin’ sweater-wrap thingy she wore for most of the episode. I truly believe the writers and the stylists are stuck in 2002. Not a judgment call, I’ve just moved on from my Justin Guarini loving, Mayor Giuliani voting ways is all. Anyhoot, yes, Stacey reenters the picture after pleading, no, begging for James’ forgiveness. She claims that her affair with his now dead boss was a mistake and that she never loved him. She was bored or some bullsnap. Oh, and she was afraid that James was going to kick her to the curb once he started rising to the top in AmeriMart. Hindsight is 20/20 now isn’t it, James? Damn. The schmuck believes her and decides to give it another go… for the kids, you know.

“Big Shots” is supposed to be like “Sex in the City,” but for dudes. You know, four middle-aged Manhattanites attempting to juggle their high powered jobs with their ever tumultuous personal lives. Hey, 2002 called, it wants its original TV programming back. Eh, beggars can’t be choosers, right? So… what the hell, let’s meet the boys, shall we?!  

Duncan Collinsworth (sounds fancy) is played by the square-jawed-stud-of-a-man, Dylan McDermott, who is best known (only known?) for his role as Bobby Donnell on “The Practice.” Duncan is a recent divorcee who, like so many of us, can’t seem to give up the hot angry sex with his ex wife, Lisbeth. Rock on. On the downside, however, his 19 year old daughter, Cameron, really can’t stand his ass. Bummer. While he’s not engaging in out-of-wedlock coitus, Duncan acts as the CEO of the industry leading, Reveal Cosmetics. Oh, did I mention he likes to have sex in public restrooms with tranny hookers (not technically coitus, I guess)? Wait. What? Yeah, I’ll get to that later.