Hosted by Jack Wagner (Heather Locklear much be so proud), tonight’s Crowned season finale pitted the remaining four teams against one another for diamond necklaces, tiaras and, most importantly, $100,000. Left to duke it out in swimsuit, evening wear, talent and interview rounds were the Sincere Sexy Reds, Blessed Beauties, Dream Gals and Gifted Dolls. Each round counted for 25 percent of their total scores, and scoring was based on poise, style and teamwork.

On hand to judge were our trusty threesome of Carson, Shanna and Cynthia. Carson was sporting a nifty little feather on his tux lapel, while Shanna and Cynthia replayed their most unflattering looks: cockatoo hair for Shanna and a hideous choker for Cynthia.

It’s one week until the finals and Laura muses why, if beauty is inside as well as out, are there still people in the competition missing the outside part.  Clearly, dwindling numbers are bringing out the best in our pageanteers.  

The girls head to dance practice and are surprised to see all the previously eliminated teams return.  Even good old Beauty is Skin Deep came back, despite their hasty exit last week, to rehearse for a final performance.

Still reeling from the Blonde Beauties elimination last week, the remaining six teams regroup and try to remain positive. They’re instructed to get ready for a day outdoors and to put on pants and closed-toe shoes. (No miniskirts? No heels? Whatever will their challenge be?!)

Turns out, the ladies are working for Habitat for Humanity. Under the supervision of Foreman John they will be landscaping, painting a fence and building a cinderblock wall. Manicures and coiffed hair be damned!

The troops are told to convene outside in fifteen with heels on.  All hail the magic of editing: First we see Hollis contemplating “defying instructions” by wearing flip flops, with her hair down and sporting a black halter top.  Cut to the girls outside, where Hollis is standing tall in heels, with an updo and a completely different outfit.  That's a whole lotta changing going on for a fifteen-minute call time, eh?  Nevertheless, a famed pageant choreographer is on deck to teach the girls some moves.  Dream Gals’ mom notably struggles learning the routine, but otherwise, all goes well.

Teamwork is put to the test next when the moms and daughts are led through a trust workshop.  The Sincere Sexy Reds fall flat (literally) while the others tear up over their “close bonds” and other cheese-tastic reasons.  Winning the workshop were Brenda and Heather, thus leaving them to choose a pretty lil’ box form Cabana Boy John.  They’re instructed to choose carefully, as always, since “all that glitters is not gold.”  Luckily, the snapped up some goody baskets from Smashbox cosmetics.

The Sincere Sexy Reds, still recovering from the morning’s trust workshop failure, get into a tiff when daughter Laura demands that Patti make her some chicken.  But mom’s had enough of the attitude and threatens Laura, saying, “If you speak to me ugly and embarrass me again I’ll walk out.”  Da dum dum dum.

Elimination challenge time!  The girls are to dream up one-minute talent presentations and will be judged on how the routine reflects each individual, their skill level as well as their teamwork and presentation.

After some stress and hurt feelings (mama Goal Getter just wants to wear a belly shirt!), it’s show time.  The Dream Gals take the stage first, with Hollis singing and mom occasionally chiming in.  The judges weren’t impressed; maybe the Dreams Gals sugary sweet schtick is finally dissolving.

Next up, the Gifted Dolls performed a 40s dance in cute lil’ sailor outfits.  What they lacked in skill they made up for in enthusiasm and equal participation, and the judges took note.  Beauty is Skin Deep also took the fair share route and squeaked out a duet to “I’m Every Woman.”  Although their pipes weren’t up to par, the judges likewise enjoyed their teamwork.

The Blessed Beauties took a more scandalous approach with a burlesque routine (which daught seemed to revel in a bit too much).  Their shimmy and shake prompted Carson to declare them the “Blessed B’s with the double D’s!”  Up next were the Sincere Sexy Reds with mom on the keys and daught belting “Climb Every Mountain” from The Sound of Music, while the Goal Driven Gals tried out their comedy routine.   The judges deemed their original jokes a brave choice but Shanna and Cynthia weren’t wowed.

Lastly, the Daredevil Divas took on the silk ropes in some Pucci-inspired leotards (purely coincidental, I’m sure, since I don’t see either of them knowing their designers).  Daught showcased her talent, while mom was left to twirl some ribbons.  a la Will Farrel in Old School.

After some deliberation, the judges revealed Beauty is Skin Deep as the first team safe, along with the Daredevil Divas.  Blessed Beauties and their provocative dance were also granted safety, followed by the Gifted Dolls.  The Goal Driven Gals narrowly escaped elimination, leaving the Goal Getters, Dream Gals and Sincere Sexy Reds to represent the best and the worst of the bunch.

Shanna pronounced the Sincere Sexy Reds as the performance champs while the Goal Getters and Dream Gals sweated it out.  Shanna didn’t see the mother/daughter relationship between the Goal Getters via their hoola hooping, especially after they revealed their secret skills for singing and dancing.  On the other hand, Shanna and Co. also didn’t like that Hollis outshone her mom.  

In the end, the Dream Gals were told to desash the Goal Getters, but Hollis, in all her self-righteous glory said no, no, no.  Hugging the GGs, she dramatically tells them they worked hard and deserve to keep their sashes.  Umm, who made Hollis in charge?  Thank goodness for Shanna … No one's going to push her around (well, maybe Paris Hilton)!  The Dream Gals were instructed again by Miss S that they must cut those sashes off the GGs, no matter how hard it is.  With no further fight, Hollis snipped them off.

Next week hostility mounts as the girls work on a smile workshop.  A sure to be highlight: Mama Beauty is Skin Deep telling the Dream Gals that they look like mousses waiting to be mounted.  So bad.  So funny!

With The Realists desashed last week, nine mother/daughter teams remain to hash it out for the crown. Given a fifteen-minute block of prep time, the teams gussied up and were greeted by Project Runway alum Nick Verreos (a champ at milking his glimpse of the limelight). Nick, who popped by the house to give the girls an evening gown clinic, didn’t hold any punches and dished out some much-needed advice. Among his tips: cutouts make you look cheap, invest in tailoring, steam everything, add some bling and accentuate only one area (not the booty and the boobs).

The premise of Crowned is like Miss America on crack. Take 11 pageant queen daughters and pair them with their wannabe pageant queen mothers and let then duke it out for a $100,000 prize. There’s cattiness, conniving and far too much hairspray, eyeliner and sequined dresses to keep track of.

Queer Eye for the Straight Guy’s Carson Kressley, former Miss USA Shanna Moakler and “TV personality” Cynthia Garret host. (I feel like Cynthia may have been an Extra correspondent at some point in my childhood, but other than that, I’m drawing a blank.)