This episode opens on Wolfe, driving to an apartment complex.  The cops are already there investigating the scene.  Alexx is in the apartment with the victim - Rachel Hemming.  She fell through a glass coffee table and landed her corroded artery on the stem of a wine glass.   Bummer.  Ryan comes up with the idea to dust the entire body for prints, which makes Alexx snippy but seems like a good idea.  He builds a tent around her (as he says "I've pitched a tent or two before"... barf) and shoots the body with dusting powder.  Suddenly, the camera focuses on an electrical outlet overloaded with plugs and it bursts into flames.  The curtains go up and as Ryan searches for a fire extinguisher, he opens doors onto a meth lab.  Panic ensues and everything starts to burn up.  He and Alexx get out just as the ammonia and all the other crap you put into meth exploded.

We open on a shipyard and three dudes checking out and packing up serious machine guns.  One guy thinks he hears something, stops what he’s doing.  Shocking that there would be noise at a shipyard.  However, he was right and he and another comrade get… vaporized.  Yes, vaporized.  The third guy takes off and attempts to get away, but he too is… vaporized.  There are bloody chunks of human everywhere.  It’s kind of awesome, if preposterous.  Reminds me of Halo.

This episode begins with people banging and has a ton of sexy dead people in it.  At first, this seems promising, but this episode was convoluted to say the least (usually the episodes are simply preposterous but still there’s a clear bad guy).  It got confusing, which is ironic because it involves models who probably wouldn’t have been able to follow the episode.  Anyway, back to the hot people banging…

I have to warn you, dear reader, that I have a fever and a sinus infection and don’t feel like writing right now… all I want to do is feel better and watch football and shove turkey in my face. But, alas, I’m drawn back into the world of our CSIs in Miami. We open on Calleigh walking down the street; the music playing in the background is supposed to make the viewer think she is a sexy woman. I still think she’s annoying because I hated Emily Proctor’s character on The West Wing (sorry, old habits die hard). She walks to her hot and fuel-inefficient car and rolls down the window. Before she can pull away, a black car pulls up next to her. This is also the episode’s moneyshot, as they were able to place two late model Chryslers in the same shot.

This episode opens with the new Britney single “Gimme More” (if you haven’t heard it, I’m really sorry about your non-responsive coma that you’ve been in for the past 3 months).  I figure that the producers picked this for a reason – like, an extended metaphor.  Britney Spears’ life is a trainwreck, yet we can’t look away.  I kinda feel the same way about CSI: Miami – this show gets progressively crappier and more predictable, yet I need to keep watching it.  And I probably still will watch it even once my recapping tenure is finished.  But enough about me and my extended metaphors… I just thought it was neat that they decided to do that.  Whatever.

Open on a fashion show – white linens, overly-made up blondes, and lots of flashy lights.  Gavin Hauer, the designer, is announced to cheers.  But uh-oh… suddenly two black-clad terrorists in masks zip-line their way on to the runway and start firing machine guns into the crowd.  I was fully expecting an awesome and completely inexplicable mass murder, but no – it was just the start of the show.  Two supermodels strip off their paramilitary gear and strut the runway in what has got to be the most god-awful excuse for high fashion ever.  They basically look like strippers who’ve been dipped in silver… but it wouldn’t be CSI: Miami without this type of clothing, now would it?

I have to thank the writers of CSI: Miami for reminding me of the perils of the fall season.  No, I’m not talking about the Eagles stinking it up or of not having candy for trick-or-treaters, I’m talking about the inevitable “Halloween” episode of every goddamn TV show on air.  This was CSI: Miami’s.  And this morning my head hurts from beating it against my glass coffee table as I took my notes on this one last night.

This episode opens with phone sex, which is as promising a beginning to a TV show as any.  A faceless female wakes a middle aged man and asks some, um, probing questions.  The guy gets his morning coffee as though this is a typical occurrence for him.  The faceless female begins to ask less than sexual questions such as “What was your most exciting experience?” and “How would you like to be remembered?”  Well, this guy is going to be remembered as the guy who got stabbed in the neck while on the phone with a chick who may/may not be a reporter.