It'a Karen McCluskey's 70th birthday, and Edie's very thoughtful husband Dave suggests they throw her a surprise party.  If the surprise doesn't kill her, I'm pretty sure Dave might.  He's a shady charecter.  In the meantime, we learn what has happened to the housewives over the five years they have jumped ahead.  I'll try and make this as un-confusing as possible.  

While your normal DH recapper is basking in the hot sun of Hawaii, I am here so you don't miss your weekly fill of Wisteria Lane.  Things just get weirder and weirder on this street.

Susan and Mike are at MJ's meet the teacher night.  The teacher being a rather crafty, albeit nosy person, has all the children draw their families as they see them.  Obviously, this creates tensions previously unseen among parents.  Especially for Mike, who notices MJ has drawn him as a tiny bug with a hat on.  Jackson seems to be the father figure in MJ's eyes.  Here we go, the drama is brewing.

It's MINE, you giant hippo of a little girl!Cute lil’ Benjamin Katz is six years old, and there’s a lot he doesn’t understand.  Mostly related to the fact that his mother, Danielle Van de Kamp, snatched him away from his grandmother Bree when he was still very small.  See, Danielle (understandably, IMO) wanted her kid back, after having initially told Bree she could raise him.  At the moment, he, his mother, and stepfather are on their way to visit Bree and Orson for the first time since the baby boondoggle.  Orson reminds Bree through gritted teeth to be calm, not critical – it took them years to convince Danielle to visit.  Got that, Bree?  Calm, not critical.  Riiiiight.  The Hodges meet Leo, Danielle’s husband, and squee squishily all over Benji… who calls his hippie-clothed mother by her first name.  This immediately sets Bree’s sense of etiquette (and possibly her eyelid) a-twitchin,’ and is only made worse when Danielle declares that Bree will be called “Granny.”  Hoo boy.  Even lil’ Benji realizes that it’s going to be a seriously looong weekend.  

Flag on the field! Illegal play!My friends, there is a pot roast cooking in my oven right now.  A Desperate Housewives-inspired pot roast.  This show makes me hungry.  Especially now that Bree’s the new redheaded non-lesbian Martha Stewart.  It’s getting difficult to resist the urge to imitate whatever yummy goodness she’s whipping up.  Yep, Desperate Housewives brings out my apron-wearing domestic side.  Goddamn, that pot roast smells freakin’ kickass!  Ahem.  Apron or not, domestic clearly does not always mean proper.

Fat Gaby confronts Paris Hilton... I mean, Edie.If you’ll recall, at the end of last season, Desperate Housewives pulled a Lost.  It picked its viewers up straight out of the ongoing storyline and plopped us down five years into the future.  Our short glimpse into the new Wisteria Lane was full of all kinds of wackiness: Susan, no longer married to Mike!  Fat Gaby!  Lynette’s monstrous kids teenagers getting arrested (okay, so maybe that one wasn’t so much “wacky” as “completely predictable in every way”).  What remains to be seen is if this little venture will pay off, or whether it will leave fans yawning in their soap suds.  Let’s get right to it!  

Not the fun kind of bondageTime for Part II of the finale event! Kathryn recalls the last time she was in a police station. It was fourteen years ago, when she went to report Wayne’s abuse. All banged up, Kathryn spoke to a female officer. When she found out Wayne was a cop with many friends in the department, the officer advised Kathryn to gather as much money as possible, grab her daughter and run. So she did, to a place she thought would be safe. Clearly… it wasn’t. In the present, Kathryn tries to convince a cop that Wayne kidnapped Adam. The detective thinks Kathryn’s some dizzy broad with a grudge. He doesn’t believe a word she says, just tossing some paperwork in her direction. Kathryn knows she has to run again. Back home, she tells Dylan that Wayne took Adam, and they’re next. Dylan hollers at her mom to stop packing. She refuses to go anywhere until Kathryn finally tells her the truth. Defeated, Kathryn agrees. Next thing you know, Dylan’s crying and running out the door, Kathryn calling after her. “I’m sorry, I had no choice!” Looks like Kathryn’s lies have finally caught up with her.

Maynard?! Yep, Maynard.Lynette Scavo knows she’s not the greatest mother. In fact, she’s done a few things she’s not proud of, like dope her kids with cough syrup when she wants quiet time. Despite these lapses, she doesn’t think of herself as the worst mother, either. In fact, this morning she’s making waffles, just because Kayla likes them. Wafflemaking comes to a screeching halt, however, when a couple of social workers show up at the front door. They received a report of abuse from Dr. Dolan, who was tipped off by Kayla. The social workers have seen security tape from the clothing store where the devilspawn kid got slapped. Lynette blanches. She may not be the best mom, but she’s done the best she can… given what she had to work with. I.E. a conniving brat of a stepdaughter. Those specially-made waffles go straight into the trash.

Watch out, Edie: here they come.

One afternoon on Wisteria Lane, Edie goes out for a jog.  Bree, clad stylishly in rubber dishwashing gloves, sees her out the window.  Next thing you know, there’s a confrontation brewing.  Bree announces that she saw that smooch between Edie and Orson.  What was Edie thinking?  They’re supposed to be friends!  At this point Edie calls Bree the B word, and… ka-smack!  Bree totally bitchslaps Edie, right there in the street!  I’ve never been smacked by someone wearing rubber gloves, but I imagine it feels something like being shot in the face with a fistful of rubber bands.  That’s gotta smart.

It’s almost Mother’s Day, and over at Susan’s, Mike’s mom Adele arrives for a visit.  She’s a Southern Belle with a twangy accent, and for the sake of the plot some reason she’s apparently never met Susan.  Um, really, Desperate Housewives?  Really?  You expect us to believe that this doting mama didn’t come to her son’s wedding, never visited him while he was in the hospital in a friggin’ coma, and failed to show up while he had amnesia?  Umm… riiiiight.   At any rate, Adele gives Susan an enthusiastic hug.  The two women seem to get along well enough until Adele whips out a “gift:” a cookbook whose recipes have been handed down through Adele’s family since the Civil War War of Northern Agression.  According to Adele, a lady should “be a chef in the kitchen, maid in living room, and whore in the bedroom.”  Apparently Susan’s only got one of those bases covered, and Adele itends to help her with the other two.  If I was Susan, I wouldn’t know whether to feel relieved or offended that “whore” was the one thing my mother-in-law didn’t intend to teach me.  

Lynette and Tom have hired one Dr. Dolan to hang out and watch them interact as a family, so that he can help solve their problems.  Of course, Lynette wants the good doc to focus on devil child Kayla, who spies from the staircase as Lynette talks about her.  Kayla then plays the sweet little girl, running downstairs to call Lynette “Mommy,” and give her a big, fake hug.  Dude, if this doctor falls for this syrupy act, he ain’t much of a doctor at all.  Later, in private, the doc comes right out and asks Lynette if she loves Kayla.  Taken aback, Lynette’s all, “I’ve been very good to her.”  Um, that wasn’t the question.  Lynette apparently loves Kayla “as much as she can.”  She admits that it’s complicated, given the way Kayla joined the family.  The doc thinks Kayla’s picked up on Lynette’s feelings and is very angry because of it.  They never formed a mother-daughter bond, and now it must be recreated through something called attachment parenting. Hey, I think I saw this on CSI.  Didn’t they smother some kid with a blanket in an attempt to “rebirth” him or something?  Fortunately the doc doesn’t suggest grabbing the nearest down comforter.  Instead, he wants Lynette to keep Kayla by her side as much as possible, and interact with her constantly.  Tom thinks it sounds like a great idea.  Lynette looks like she’d rather kiss a donkey’s behind.

Gaby and Carlos discuss the awesomeness of their tenant, Ellie, who helps around the house and keeps them from fighting.  Currently, she is awesomely dealing cocaine out of her bedroom.  Her client wonders if Gaby and Carlos know what she’s up to, and Ellie admits that they think she’s a tattoo artist.  Meanwhile, Realtor!Edie shows a house on Wisteria Lane.  Bree lurks in the bushes nearby, and as Edie goes inside with the husband, Bree scampers up to the wife with a nasty gleam in her eye.  The next thing you know, the wife’s practically dragging her husband off by his ear, screaming that they need a new Realtor.  From across the street, Bree, aka Narky McTattleson, smirks at Edie.  Speaking of real estate, turns out that Katherine’s making plans to move away now that Wayne has found them.  She’s certain Wayne’s incapable of love, and is only back because he wants something.  She doesn’t feel safe.  Dylan’s all, “Move if you want I’m staying here with my father so there.” 

Child of the CornIn every marriage (or so Mary Alice informs us) couples accumulate love stuff that makes a house a home.  At the moment, Bree and Orson Hodge are divvying up said love stuff, including a fugly pewter cat.  A miserable Orson tells Bree to keep everything; she’s the only thing in the house he wants.  Bree’s all, “Marriage may be a compromise but I draw the line at attempted murder.”  However, she does have a deal for him.  If he musters the moral courage to turn himself in to the police she’ll forgive him.  Hey, she even magnanimously promises to wait for him while he’s in the slammer!  To Bree’s disappointment, Orson squeamishly refuses; he can’t go to prison.  Um, for what it’s worth, Bree, I agree with him.  One look at Orson’s stylish argyle sweaters and the other inmates wouldn’t even wait for him to drop the soap.   

Fight! Fight! Fight!As we open on this week’s Desperate Housewives, Mary Alice lets us know that Lynette has always trusted her husband Tom.  Mostly because she can easily figure out when he’s lying.  It seems that Tom has not one but several tells, including an adolescent voice squeak that sounds kind of like a dog toy and makes me giggle.  Lynette’s counting on that squeak to find out the truth about the fire.  The morning after the Founder’s Ball, she oh-so-casually asks him where he was during Bree’s acceptance speech.  Tom says he snuck out to the car to listen to the game, and his voice doesn’t sound at all like a rusty hinge, so I believe him.  Lynette still thinks that he should have an alibi, just in case the police start sniffing around.  Tom’s insulted that she thinks he had something to do with the fire at Rick’s.  Apparently he’s forgotten that he threw a frickin’ brick through the guy’s window just last week.