Previously - Courtney's hair reached a happy medium. It looks soft to the touch, with a deep chestnut color. Absolutely beautiful. Oh, and there's some people running around and working at a gossip rag. It's seriously the worst show since they remade the Bionic Woman.

Celebrate! This is the last one. Are any of you still with me? Hello? Anyone? Can you hear me? Jesus, I'm alone. Alone in a cavern of bad TV.

Previously - Courtney's hair was its usual chestnut glory. It was a little on the dark side last episode, but much livelier than the episode before. Was there a creme rinse in there somewhere?

Hello. Thanks for subjecting yourself to this show again. When last we met, it sucked. And I'm sure it will suck again this evening. I actually have an idea how to make this show totally hot. First, scrap the entire cast and set, and everything else to do with it. You can keep Courtney on as producer and maybe have a shot of her and her gorgeous hair at the end of the credits. Maybe we can call it "Courtney's Hair Productions." You know, like "sit, Ubu, sit," except it's her hair and not a dog. Anyway, to keep it in the family, they should cast Alexis Arquette (Courtney's husband David's transsexual brother) as "Lucy Spiller." Alexis will be a drag queen that goes around starting shit with other drag queens, and spreading gossip.

Previously - There was....some gossip? And Courtney Cox had a magazine? And does anyone watch this show? I could be manscaping.

Courtney's is looking very dark this episode. It might be the bad direction and lighting. Even the production values of this show look cheap. It could be in Blu-Ray and still look tawdry. Is that the point? She's in bed with the film executive from last episode that helped her bust the pedophile actor. Courtney's a crusader.

Previously - Previously - this show sucked.

Don, having recovered from his imprisonment at the ends of Mr., Mrs., and baby Gimp, is dressed like a waiter and scoping the crowd. Everyone's at some party for this studio's 50th anniversary.

Courtney Cox hair report: it's fairly shiny, but still not as lustrous as when the season began. Some dick in a suit rolls up on her to flirt. He makes some sort of bad joke about ass kissing. God, who are these writers and why are they tormenting me? He's getting divorced, and wants to date her.

Previously - There was some Paris Hilton caricature (as if that's even possible) getting whipped. And then some gossip stuff happened. I guess.

In the "previously on" portion of our program, we get some scenes of Rick Fox being blackmailed by Courtney, and then being presented with a decapitated head and getting his legs broken. That must have been some storyline! Courtney's at some fundraiser for the hospital she coma'ed in. It's apparently taking place in a Mayan pyramid. The Ruins! Hopefully malevolent tentacles from the plant world can crush this show!

Previously - Courtney Cox got cut by a bitch. Her photographer Don went on the meds and is slowly losing his delusions. The little girl from "Growing Pains" is all growed up and putting cigarettes out on the rug.

So somehow I've returned to this Titanic of a show. Seriously, it's because of Courtney's magnetic hair. It's so long and lush and silky. I can't stop looking at it. They should just show a series of episodes of her conditioning her hair, and combing it and letting fall in slow-mo through flattering lighting. Courtney and her staff are watching footage of her undercover lover Holt dress a pap down for asking question about the loopy actress who stabbed Court. See, he was her boyfriend. And sleeping with Courtney. Ain't that a kick in the head? The actor who plays Holt looks like he needs a glucose drip, but I like how he casually takes that self-righteous pose that real life actors do about how bad the photogs are. Bitch, without photogs, you would be working down at the Duane Reid!

So Courtney Cox has great hair. Seriously, let's just get that out on the table. She's definitely been to hairapy. Some blond actress who I vaguely recall from overdosing on Ecstasy on "All My Children" (shut up, I watch soaps sometimes) makes steak tartar out of Courtney Cox with a big ole' knife for ruining her life with a story in her tabloid. I'm sensing this was a season long story. Courtney ends up crawling out onto her front walkway while crazy actress bitch runs through the jungle with a ridiculous camera strapped to her front so the director can be edgy. Anyway, she ends up faceplanting onto a car driven by some queen in a scalley cap who drives off. Will the mailman find Courtney?

Narration ensues. It's Don, Courtney's schizophrenic pap. Cats talk to him. Will his narration be irritating me all season long? Please no. I'll just start using closed captioning if I have to. Oh, good - he's catching me up on what I refused to watch last season. Seriously, any show that brings a piece of lukewarm toast like Aniston in to spice it up doesn't deserve my love. So Courtney's character ran some story about some actress being pregnant. There was drugs. She od'ed. A boyfriend crashed his ride. With the knifehappy chick in it. Boyfriend actor started banging Courtney. Knifehappy leaked her own sex tape, claimed rape. Courtney outed her as a mess. Can I stop typing now and have a Propel or something? Because this is chintzy.

Don's recap is pretty much him freaking out. He's wrestling with all of the voices telling him to kill Lucy. He keeps hearing the phrase "Ita Missa Est," which translates to "mass is over." Lucy's been desperately trying to get in touch with him. She's leaving another voicemail when she walks into her bedroom and finds a copy of DirtNow with a picture of her covering Julia's face with the tagline "Exposed." She hits the panic alarm. Next day she's at a fashion show talking with the designer who tells her that she heard Tina Harrod (Jennifer Aniston)  is taking over for Lucy. Before Lucy can retort a model suffers a nosebleed and passes out. While everyone else is calling an ambulance, Lucy calls the magazine to tell them the new cover and to find out the backstory. Turns out the model didn't just pass out, she died. Willa tells Lucy that they found weight loss products in the model's blood and Lucy makes her feel like she's about three years old.

We see Don in the desert and all of these scenes are very reminiscent of Natural Born Killers. The choppy editing, the location, the grainy film, he even buys a knife from an American Indian who just happens to be hanging out in front of the motel. After he purchases the knife, he gets back in his car and Holt is in the passenger seat. Of course it's not Holt, but Don's schizophrenia manefesting itself. Holt tells Don that he is the chosen one. He must kill Lucy, it's His (he points up) will.

Wow, this week was really popping, so let's jump right in. Brent tells Lucy that Gibson (the Big Boss) is ready to let her go because circulation is down. Lucy swears she'll take care of it. Julia sees her sex tape with Johnny Gage has gotten out even though Lucy gave Holt the original, and supposedly, only other copy. Needless to say she is freaked out and worried that her parents will see it. She screams at Holt for not telling her how he got it, but he assures her there is no way it was his source that leaked the tape. He calls Lucy, blaming her, but she blames him saying he was the last to have the tape. Her security guard comes in to let her know two people with duffle bags are trying to enter the house. She hangs up and opens the door to Leo, her gay brother who left town after his affair with Jack Dawson, and his GIRLFRIEND from the commune he's been living on. They catch up and she explains that she's being stalked, that's why there is all the security. He tells her she's brought it upon herself and should look at it as a wake up call. Julia walks out of the coffee shop directly into a paparazzi frenzy. She claims that she was drugged and raped by Johnny Gage. Lucy has to depend on Willa, even though she's still pissed off at her, to find out who leaked the tape. She calls Don and tells him she wants an emotional shot of Holt, Julia, or Johnny. Don hears a knock on his door and opens it to see a hallucination of Marquee (the guy that got the living shit beat out of him last week) carrying his IV and he tells Don he has a "special assignment" for him. Apparently the "special assignment" is for Don to take pictures of Lucy.

The show opens in Don's house where he's talking about focusing on the shot. He says that this is the story of how it all fell apart and his voice seams with Lucy's and we're in the staff room. The cover this week is about celebutantes, Tuesday and Lulu (Paris and Nicole.) Lulu's rockstar boyfriend, Tommy,  is allegedly sleeping with Tuesday and Lucy wants the shot. As Don is standing on top of a garbage dump snapping pics, a couple of gangbangers beat the shit out of him and take his camera. They tell him to remember their faces. Lucy, still pissed about the threesome last week, gives Willa a job watching old Real World episodes. Don brings in the pics he took, but Lucy sees he got beat up and they took his camera. She gives him her stun gun (it's her spare) and he shocks himself to see how it feels then off he limps to take his pics. Don's snapping pics when a weird younger guy walks up and introduces himself as Marky (Marquee?) Jackson. He wants to learn from Don. Don is confused, but at that same time a Hummer pulls up with the 2 guys who beat him up. Ozzy Romero gets out the truck, introduces himself and hands Don his car. He then tells Don that this is THEIR story, exclusively, and offers him a job all while bashing his car to pieces. Marky offers Don a ride and he takes him to the office where he tells Lucy that Ozzy's known to hire gangbangers. He annoys her (who doesn't?), but she sees Don likes him so she gives him a job as Don's assistant. Lucy gives Don Tuesday's cell phone number and he shows Marky how to hack into her voicemail where they get a tracking number that leads to an address of a rental house Tuesday will be staying at. Don tells Marky that you don't use digital cameras and you always carry empty rolls to give to security or gangbangers.