Sigh.  Well, this is it, everybody.  The series finale of Jericho.  This will be my last Jericho recap ever, and I’m experiencing all kinds of weepy nostalgia.  Remember Mimi attempting to walk down a dirt road in stilettos?  Good times.  And Heather’s awesomely awkward, tongue-tied manner around Jake?  The Underpants Deputies!  That was a good one.  Or how about Johnston and Gail’s rather ick-factor sexy insinuations?  Or my personal favorite: badass-to-the-extreme Jake holding up the control to a bridge bomb, and fearlessly threatening to blow everything to high heaven.  I’m going to miss this show, and I’m really pretty ticked off at the PTB over at CBS for being a bunch of douchebags and cancelling it.  Again.

Tortured!JakeLast week an attentive reader commented that I have been spelling the name of überbaddie “Getz” wrong.  Here's a shout-out to eagle-eyed Jericho fan Lisa!  While I’m not going to go back through previous recaps and edit every misspelling, I will make the change, starting… now.  Previously on Jericho: Goetz (proper spelling) croaked, and I wasn’t sad.  In fact, practically nobody was sad to see Goetz go the way of the dinosaurs.  That is, except for Beck, who really got his manties in a bunch.  Remember how he told Jake they weren’t allowed to harm a hair on Goetz’s fugly little head?  And the next thing you know, Goetz is dangling from a tree outside of New Bern like some sort of extremely unattractive windsock.  Beck decides that the good folks of Jericho had their chance to play nice, and now fun time is over.  He and his men go after Jake and the Rangers full force, breaking into houses, Bailey’s, and the Med Center with guns drawn.  But the crafty Rangers are nowhere to be found.

The Rangers are back in action!

When we left Jericho last week, innocent little badass Bonnie Richmond had gone out in a blaze of glory, murdered by Jennings & Rall Master of Evil Getz as she defended her home with a shotgun.  Now, it’s nighttime, and unconscious from loss of blood, Mimi’s being taken to the Med Center. After gently releasing his sister’s body, a thoroughly shellshocked Stanley goes to ride along.  Jake, Eric and Deputies Bill and Jimmy analyze the Humvee tracks and bullet shells, and can only come to one conclusion: this was the work of that dastardly rogue military group, Ravenwood.  Jake’s pretty sure that Mimi wasn’t supposed to survive this OK Corral-esque shootout.  He tells the deputies to assemble the Jericho Rangers at the Med Center.  They can’t let Getz and his men anywhere near Mimi. 

Oh my God, everybody.  I’m lucky that I could put down my Kleenex box long enough to write this recap.  I swore off spoilers, which is a blessing and a curse.  On the plus side, the action is always fresh.  But on the other hand, when something downright awful happens (as it did tonight) I’m entirely unprepared to be angry, horrified, and saddened to the core.  I spent most of today moping around my office.  Yeah, didn’t really feel the need to tell my coworkers it was because a fictional character on one of my TV shows died.  But I digress.  If you didn’t catch this week’s Jericho, grab your hankie and hang on tight.  This ride’s about to get bumpy.

Mmmm, Jakester... me likey!

Previously on Jericho: the show was cancelled and then given a reprieve, whereupon the Powers that Be apparently decided to cram seven seasons’ worth of action into seven episodes.  Seriously, for the past three weeks I’ve felt like I’m watching an accelerated, condensed version of a seasons-long series run.  The recent premiere would have been the entire second season, and would have devoted twenty-four episodes to introducing soldiers and Jennings and Rall to Jericho.  Last week’s episode would have been season three, designed to bring in the Cheyenne government and its sticky conspiracy.  And this week’s ep would have been season four, all about the mysterious Hudson River virus.  Damn, Jericho writers!  You obviously think that this is the last chance you’re going to get to tell your story, so you’re packing in every plotline and twist you have up your sleeves.  These episodes are more crowded and chaotic than a bus full of tweens on the way to a Miley Cyrus concert. 

Anybody else think that the new American flag’s stripes look a little too much like prison bars?

This week’s episode starts off with some fuzzy Stanley/Mimi lovin.’  I’ve heard various gripey internet grumblings that these two are too cheesetastic in their cohabitational bliss.  Here’s what I have to say to that unromantic bunch: Dude. This is a show about the aftermath of nuclear war.  We deserve a little break from the death and politics of it all. At least a couple of people on this show deserve to be happy, so let Stanley and Mimi enjoy playing house. ‘Kay?  At the moment, Stan’s prepared a romantic front porch brunch to celebrate Mimi’s first day on the job at Jennings and Rall.  If you’ll recall, that’s the giant America-rebuilding corporation which recruited her and her madd accounting skillz last week.  Mimi’s excited about how J&R is organized down to the last beautiful detail.  They’ve got barcodes and spreadsheets and all that jazz, which she sorely missed.  In fact, every single item that passes through Jennings and Rall’s inventory has a record of where it’s been and where it’s going.  Stanley thinks this is infinitely boring, but likes that things are getting back to normal.  For my part, I actually find it a little creepy and Big Brotherish.  All signs are pointing squarely at Jennings and Rall ending up as one of the big bad guys.

Nuts to you too!

Jericho’s back, everybody!  This is truly the Little Show that Could, thanks to its extraordinarily loyal fans.  The story, for those of you who have been living under a rock somewhere:  Last year, after a comparatively successful (and awesomely action-packed) full-season run, CBS abruptly cancelled Jericho for no good reason.  The fan base was so incensed that they rallied together and created the “Nuts” campaign, based upon that memorable “Nuts to you” line that leading man Jake Green uttered in the final episode.  In effect, millions of nuts (yup… peanuts, cashews, walnuts… you name it) were mailed, FedExed, and dropped off at CBS studios around the country in protest of the show being cancelled.  And guess what?  It worked.  Buried beneath a 20-ton mountain of snack foods and the vocal protests of fans across the U.S., CBS revived Jericho for at least a seven-episode run.  Now it’s up to us… if viewership increases, Jericho could be back for good.  So read this recap… then tune in! 

There's nothing like that special relationship between a man and his tank

We open on a wedding cake and a happy caption that tells us that it's 6 years ago.  Ya think?  Something tells me that nobody in Jericho has the time or resources to be making frosting roses at the moment, what with the, y'know, impending war and whatnot. A gussied up Johnston and Gail are posing for photos with April and Eric, because everybody is still alive and it's their wedding day.  Gail leaves to look for Jake, but in a clever camera trick she walks out into present day, bombed-ass wartime Jericho. Jake rides up and lets the Very Important Jericho Leaders (VIJL) know that an outlying farm has been overrun by New Bern.  There are more men on the way.  Johnston says that they can't defend the town if they try to split up and protect every farm.  They need to deliver one hard punch to the invading army.  Tactically, it makes sense to make their stand at the Richmond Ranch. 

What? You say my daddy is a bad man?: Shocked... SHOCKED!It's night in Jericho, and Stan and several other men are keeping watch at a checkpoint.  Jake's crew has gotten back safely, and they're anxious that the New Bern goons are right on their heels.  As Stanley scans the horizon, he sees a light in the distance.  It grows closer, and soon materializes into a lantern, being carried by a hooded figure walking with his head down.  Stanley aims his gun and shouts for the guy to stop, but he just walks steadily forward until he's nose to nose with Stan's weapon.  Only then does he raise his head.  And it's just a kid, maybe fifteen years old, but gaunt and silent and freakin' creepy as all get-out.  Dude, what the hell's going on over in New Bern?  Not only are they making mortars, apparently they're breeding teenage zombie slaves, too.  Stanley seems to be just as unnverved by this new development as I am. 

 Dueling Beardos

Well, heck.  I missed the first two or so minutes of Jericho last night, since I was busy applying online for a new job.  Fingers crossed, y'all, because I can't wait to leave the craphole I'm forced to wallow in every day.  I wish that recapping alone paid the bills, but no such luck!  As I skid Risky Business-style (except for the tighty whities) into the living room and slam on the TV, I find that the New Bern baddies have Jake seated at a table in an interrogation room while Sheriff/Mayor/Supreme Overlord Constantino asks him all kinds of questions about his pal who's still running loose.  Knowing that Hawkins is probably his last chance to get out of this, Jake gets that crafty look, telling Constantino that Hawkins has gone to warn Jericho.