So… yeah.  By now you’ve probably heard that Recapist is shutting down.  Exactly why, however, hasn’t been made abundantly clear to the general populus.  So at the risk of having my recap deleted and/or defiled edited posthaste, let me fill you in. Buzznet, the company that bought Recapist awhile back, has decided it’s not so much into paying its recappers anymore.  But hey, the're cool with the idea of us continuing our contributions to their site - if we’re willing to do it for free.  I’ve very much enjoyed recapping SVU and all my other shows, but… hey Buzznet?  Hells to the no.  A well put together recap takes waaaaaaaaay too much time to do it for free.  So this will be my last SVU recap.  I hope y’all enjoy it.  We start off in classic SVU fashion… a corpse floating its way down the Hudson distracts some fusty seniors from their rather creaky outdoor Tai Chi.  Olivia and Elliot arrive on the scene; the young Jane Doe’s head has been bashed in, and she has puncture wounds to her breastises.  But you ain’t seen nothing yet – the kid’s also got long-term scarring, including some healed cigarette burns.  They do a fancypants carbon dating trick and discover her exact (down to the day!) age (fourteen years twenty days!).  She was dead when she hit the river, ‘cuz there’s no water in her lungs.  Good.  I can’t think of a more disgusting way to die than inhaling skanky syringe-filled Hudson scumwater.  Another schmancy test on her hair reveals that Jane Doe lived in the Ukraine until a few months ago (don’t ask me to explain this test.  It has something to do with water and mineral content.  Or possibly gypsy voodoo magic.).

Still smokin' hot after 10 yearsThis episode reminded me why I love SVU.  When this show takes its time, builds a story, develops its characters and leaves out distracting cheesy-ass gimmicks… it’s good.  Like, squee-like-a-twelve-year-old-braces-wearing-Jonas-Brothers-fangirl good.  And you remember why it’s been on for ten seasons (here’s hoping we’ll get a few more - contracts are up for negotiation , and Leno’s got his chin eye on the 10:00 slot).  As the ep begins, a family goes about its evening routine.  A little boy plays with his mother and aunt as Grandma and Grandpa Wii it up.  Hee!  I love the fact that even old folks can (and do) get their Guitar Hero on.  The doorbell rings, and Grams thinks it’s the pizza delivery guy.  But there’s a pale, fragile young woman standing in the doorway, instead.  “It’s me,” she says to the older woman, who’s clearly confused.  “You don’t remember me?”  The oldest daughter, Erica, comes to the door and gawps at the girl and her four-leaf clover wrist tattoo.  And then: “My God,” Erica gasps.  “It’s Heather!”  She grabs the girl into a hug.  Here come our heroes, both of whom look particularly delicious this evening, IMO.  They’re all set to hear about the 9485760643 horrible things you just know must have happened to this girl.  Heather Hollander disappeared four years ago, when she was fourteen.  But pudgetastic Heather didn’t run away to avoid fat camp like everyone thought.  Nope.  Instead she was imprisoned as a sex slave.  And away we go!  

'cap thanks to SVUfans.net!Uh oh.  A mature content warning.  On any other show, that means some fun, thrilling, daring scene.  For instance: on Family Guy, you’re probably talking full-frontal animated nudity.  On SVU, however, it just means things are about to get particularly disturbing.  Like, even more than usual.  Brace yourselves, people.  A woman pushing a baby carriage follows her dog and son through the park.  The dog runs off, dragging the boy behind it, and mom parks the stroller to give chase.  Suddenly, the baby starts to scream.  Mom races back and yells at the stranger bent over the carriage to get away from her baby.  But then Mom gets a good look at the woman.  She’s totally out of it, wearing nothing but a bra, underwear, and an open trench coat.  Wait for it… yep, her thighs are all bloody.  As Mom stares, eyes approximately the size of dinner plates, the bloodsmeared half-naked woman collapses to the ground.  

Are my issues showing?Remember last season, when Olivia was sexually assaulted while working undercover in a prison?  Even a seasoned detective who’s memorized the Encyclopedia of The Right Thing to Say to Rape Victims would be left with a few dangling issues after that, right?  Fortunately, Liv seems to be dealing with said issues by attending a victim support group.  But because she’s Olivia, she also just can’t seem to turn off her inner cop.  As the session ends, she confronts a fellow victim who’s carrying an illegally concealed weapon for protection.  Liv makes her fork it over, and the rape counselor is less than pleased that she can’t put her job aside for a few minutes in this “safe place.”  Then the counselor rather ironically turns right around and asks for Liv’s to investigate the disappearance of a patient.  Snerk!  She’s one of those people who hates the fuzz… until she needs help, that is.  Seems like there’s a lot of that going around on this show.

Screencap by svufans.net!This episode is off to a good start, ‘cuz the first thing we see is Clea Duvall!  I heart Clea Duvall.  Although I must admit it’s different to see her in a girly, chickie-poo role.  At the moment, Clea (AKA a character named Mia) is at a pharmacy asking for a morning after pill.  The pharmacist who apparently has not just a stick but an entire tree up her ass starts primly asking Mia if she’s considered adoption.  As she continues her smug self-righteous “alternatives” speech, Mia gets more and more upset.  Finally she grabs Prissy the Pharmacist’s wrist and insists she needs the pill.  Of course Prissy yells for security, and as the rent-a-cop drags Mia away she sobs that she was raped.  When Elliot and Olivia show up, Mia’s handcuffed in the back room.  As they cut her loose, Prissy wheedles, “I’m pressing charges!”  “Don’t press your luck,” replies Elliot.  

Huge thanks to SVUfans.net for the 'cap!Dear Portland Trailblazers:  I hate you.  See, the other night I turned on the TV at 9:45, all excited and happy for SVU.  What I got instead was a Portland Trailblazers game.  There were four minutes left in the fourth quarter.  But did those four minutes actually last four minutes?  NO. They lasted… thirty effing minutes.  I am not kidding.  There were time outs, and commercial breaks, and game analysis, and me banging my head against the wall shouting, “How is this possible?  Am I in bizarro world?  What is going on??”  By the time we rejoined our regularly scheduled SVU (fuck you very much, local cable channel KGW, for joining it ALREADY IN PROGRESS) I had decided that if that goddamned Toyota “Saved By Zero” commercial came on one more time, I would pry my own eardrums out with salad tongs.  Thank God for YouTube.  Otherwise the first ¼ of this recap would be an analysis of Greg Oden’s dunking technique. But enough rant.  Let's get this much-anticipated show on the road, shall we?

Woot!  My first SVU recap!  I’ll try to keep the squeeage to a minimum.  Suffice it to say that I’ve wanted to cover this show ever since I saw “Fault” and nearly swooned for awhile.  We open on a restaurant, where an obnoxiously smoochy couple lingers at a table, keeping the waiters from closing.  Hey rude restaurant patrons!  Time for dessert – Murder Victim Flambe!  A man, screaming and engulfed in flames, comes charging out of nowhere and crashes into the restaurant.  Elliot and Munch arrive, and it’s quickly established that Olivia’s off at a battered women’s conference.  This sets us up for disappointingly little interaction between the two main characters in this episode.  Hmph.   Hopefully they’re just saving up all the good interaction for next week.  Y’all ‘shippers know what I’m talking about.    Dude!  Dead Mr. Flambe’s missing his naughty bits, which were chopped off before he became a human charcoal briquette. Dr. Warner suggests that Elliot “follow the bloody brick road” back to the crime scene.  As I try to say “bloody brick road” five times fast, Munch and Elliot locate the goretastic scene in a nearby parking garage.  The killer wanted this guy to suffer. 

A slideshow presentation is being given. The pictures are of a crime scene and the occasion looks like some sort of seminar. Detective Chester Lake is there and asks a question about the crime scene and we find out it's a cold case being discussed. He chats with a strawberry-blonde, Penelope Fielding, and they discuss a ten-year-old case Lake's been working on.

At a fancy mixer, no-nonsense Casey Novak is clearly being courted by a high-powered law firm who specializes in defending white-collar criminals. Think about it, Casey, no more dead babies, rapists and Robin Williams to deal with! She gets a phone call and has to rush out, but clearly she's aware that SVU runs her life and maybe she should think consider settling into a career defending Martha Stewart-types, if she'd ever like a boyfriend. I'm just saying, she's not getting any younger and I would like some grandchildren. Wait a minute, who am I?

First of all, I would like to apologize for Keegan missing these past few episodes. The strike threw us all off and I'll be playing catch-up for you guys, recapping the missing episodes and finishing out this season. I know it won't be quite the same, but I'll do my bestest. And have no fear, Mr. Hornbeck will be back next season.

Now, on to the rape and murder! DUN DUN!

Fireman rush into a burning apartment. A woman's body is found; she appears to have been raped. SVU arrives on the scene and detectives Olivia Benson and Elliot Stabler notice expensive purses and shoes. Coroner Melinda Warner reveals that she was pregnant - the dead woman, that is. Fire marshall hints at arson and the contents of a dishwasher loaded with dirty dishes surprisingly unmarred by the fire are discovered. FORESHADOWING! I know what's coming, guys, but I'm loving the ride!

A park ranger and his foster son engage in some heartwarming banter whilst briskly rustling through the jungle that is Central Park. "You're not my dad," blah, blah, issues of abandonment. That's when they notice a stink and of course, it's the rotting stench of dead bodies--a man and a woman. Because most of my knowledge of New York City comes from watching episodes of SVU over and over again, I have formed the conclusion that it is a veritable sea of dead bodies. I wish they'd just go ahead and name it Corpse Park and be done with it.