A group of paintballers are playing war when one of them spots a rich socialite sprawled out in the park. She is actually dead though, and not just pretending so the cops get called and the weekend warriors have a story that they will be boring everyone with for the next ten years. The victim was killed by blunt force trauma to the head and her earlobes are torn. Doctor Melinda Warner found one diamond earring near the scene so the murderer must have dropped it when they fled. Dr. Warner also found "fluids" in the victim's underwear so maybe there was some rape going on somewhere between the earlobe ripping and blunt force trauma-ing. At the very least, it means the detectives from SVU will be assigned the case.

A group of Green hippy-types are cleaning up the east river and stumble upon a trash bag with a set of bound feet sticking out. After expressing their disdain that human bodies should be recycled rather than dumped into a river, they contact the police. Detectives Elliot Stabler and Olivia Benson arrive on the scene to hear Medical Examiner Melinda Warner's evaluation. The woman found in a bag dumped in the river is dead. Shocker. She suffered blunt trauma to the head and although there is no sign of rape there is significant genital mutilation. They find a man passed out on the concrete with bloodied hands and scratched up face. He suddenly regains consciousness, punches Stabler, and runs for it. He doesn't get far and his fat ass falls right onto his head while trying to jump a fence. Looks like we got ourselves a suspect.

A young boy is running down a crowded New York street in a rugby jersey covered in blood. A lady stops him and calls in for help. Detectives Elliot Stabler and Olivia Benson try to gather more information. The on-site paramedic checks out the young boy and states that the blood isn't his but since it is a rugby jersey it may have been purchased with the blood on it. The detectives get a DNA sample from the blood-soaked jersey and find out the boy's name is Tommy. Tommy doesn't know his mom's first name and won't tell the detectives his last name. Hindsight being 20/20 and all that, once I discovered this brat's last name I immediately thought something must be wrong with him for him not to know it and say it with pride.

Two boy scouts are wandering through the woods when, hey, awesome, they just earned their "Find A Dead Underage Rape Victim" Badge. They can have their moms sew it on their sashes next to their "Dispose of Dirty Needles" and "Spot the Pedophile Priest" badges. The victim is Julie Donovan. She has had her lips ripped off and she is covered in bruises. Doctor Melinda Warner reports there is semen inside her and detectives Fin and Lake find a red baseball hat with the letter C next to her and a busted cell phone.

A cop condescendingly listens to an old lady reporting a car with a voice coming from the trunk. It isn't until he verifies her story with an immigrant hot dog vendor that he realizes she may have been revealing the whereabouts of Sabrina Farmer, a missing 11 year-old girl. The car was towed so the detectives from SUV go the impound and take turns busting up cars to find the missing girl. They are finally able to find the girl locked in the wheel of an Impala and they get her to the hospital just in time to save her life. The doctor reports that she has a serious concussion and she was raped.

A professional woman is running for an elevator trying to escape from a pursuer in the shadows. Just as the elevator door closes safely behind her a hand reaches out and stops it and then he joins her in the elevator. Luckily, he looks like someone that is just trying to rush home to get online to play Everquest for the next 15 hours. After dismissing the dork's coffee invite the woman exits the elevator but falls down because the elevator is jammed between floors. As she reaches down to retrieve her purse she finds a mutilated body wedged in the elevator shaft.

A young girl is walking down a lonely set of stairs at night....oh man, you just know that something ill is going to happen. As soon as she reaches the bottom of the steps a ski-masked figure rips her shirt and pulls her underwear down. She screams and so the figure backs off for a millisecond and then lunges forward and shanks a Rambo knife into her chest. The would-be rapist snatches her purse as she shakes and quivers on the ground.

A man sits irritably in the back of a cab while the cab driver drones on and on about how much he hates his wife and how he would get a divorce but it is just too expensive. The man interrupts the cab driver to tell him to shut up and the cabbie responds by telling the man that he is sick of circling the block. The man hands the cabbie more money out of a giant wad of cash when a little elf-looking girl covered in blood and clutching a phone darts into the middle of the street and the cab barely screeches to a halt. The cab driver begins yelling and cursing, shockingly in English, and the man jumps out and comforts the girl that is obviously his daughter. He rushes up with the girl into their apartment and finds mom face down in the bedroom with a crushed skull. I am glued to my television in shock, not that this woman was murdered but by the fact that they chose a white man to portray the cab driver. Edgy casting indeed.

The show opens with a young boy going through that awkward rite of passage of being diagnosed with an STD. He was lucky enough to draw Gonorrhea for his first dance partner and that is probably one of the better ones to get. He is visibly shaken and I just want pat him on the head and explain that the non-lethal and non-permanent STDS are no more serious that your drunken loser brother…it shows up every now and then, leaves a mess, makes it hard to get girls to come over, and you spend a lot of time trying to hide it but eventually it leaves and you just have a few bills to remind you of it’s visit. The boy doesn’t want to tell his parents (then don’t) and reluctantly informs his doctor that he got it from sleeping with his teacher. The next moment we see Detectives Benson and Stabler arresting a young teacher named Sara at school who is none other than Melissa Joan Hart.