There is a shirtless guy on top of a screaming girl. He rips her shirt off as she screams in a shrill voice, "STOP!!" He keeps going, but tries to cover her mouth with his hand roughly. She finally gets an arm free and smashes him in the face with a water glass perched on the nightstand. The shards of broken glass cut deep and while the man is temporarily stunned, the girl takes her chance and runs to another room and slams the door. As she frantically dials for help, the man's yelling can be heard through the barricaded door.

Just take a look for a moment at this character. The short, fashionably messed-up brown hair, the soft, almond-shaped eyes--they are almost elfish in their femininity--the soft skin. The tough New York exterior which only further emphasizes the inner softness, the womanly core, that tells us that this character is really just a scared, lost little girl in the world. Of course, I am talking about Chuck on "Gossip Girl," but what the hell does that have to do with "Law & Order: SVU"? Nothing, now let's get on with the new season of raping and human degradation with New York's finest.

The season finale of Law & Order: SVU was absolutely magnificent. It brought back many of the recurring characters that have popped up this season but seemed to leave me with more questions than answers. If you are expecting this episode to wrap up any loose ends, then you will be disappointed because it just further frays those loose ends into a giant mess that leaves you wondering even after the show ends. The episode opened with a Court TV-esque news segment with real-life lawyer Nancy Grace and former giant pig on "The View," Star Jones. Apparently, Darius Parker was finally going to trial over the murder of Nancy Stansville and her baby. This case would prove to be highly controversial to the detectives at SVU because Darius, played by rapper Ludacris, is Detective Fin's stepson and during the investigation of the crime, an illegal interrogation occurred that lead to the suppression of most of the evidence. The prosecution is forced to proceed with only the blood at the crime scene and the murder weapon as evidence. No bodies, no confession, no service.

The show starts with what appears to a burglar prowling through an abandoned building. We soon realize that the man is no burglar, but is just there to pick up his forgotten cell phone. After he finishes arguing with his wife on his cell phone, he notices a light coming from the basement. He goes to check it out and is shocked by the sight of a shirtless boy wearing a leather ninja mask, covered in blood. The boy runs off and the man screams like a little girl when he sees the dead body that looks identical to the boy that just ran away.

I almost missed the beginning of this episode because it began with a maid thoroughly cleaning up an upscale apartment. I thought it was just a commercial for Clorox Bleach until I noticed that the maid was overweight and Hispanic and we all know that no advertiser would have such a person in their commercials. The maid stumbles upon a dead body.

Dun Dun

Detectives Elliot Stabler and Olivia Benson arrive on the scene. Cynthia Young was raped and murdered but there is no DNA to be found because the maid did a very thorough cleaning job and the perp used a condom. Doctor Melinda Warner explains that the cause of death was a broken neck, executed in straight military fashion. This was a pro. A little further looking around by the detectives results in them finding a wedding dress, but there is no pictures of any possible groom.

The episode begins with Detectives Elliot Stabler and Olivia Benson interrogating an alleged rapist. Olivia finally gets her turn to play "Bad Cop" and she loves it. She de-masculates the suspect by bringing up the fact that he "got soft" during the rape and therefore he must be committing rapes as a way to cover up his homosexuality. Her ploy to anger the suspect works and just as he is snapping his fingers and getting ready to insult Olivia's knock-off purse, Captain Donald Cragen pulls her out of the interrogation room. Apparently, it's Olivia's turn to be interrogated.

A typical rapist van is cruising down the road with a Latin woman, a fat italian guy, a mute Haitian kid, and a little white girl singing Jesus hymns...n,o this isn't the set-up for some horrible joke. It's the set-up for this week's Law & Order: SVU.

Dun Dun!

The van crashes after the driver gets into a shouting matching with the little white girl. Wait..this isn't just any little white girl, this is Elle Fanning, the sister of accomplished annoying actress Dakota. Oh yay, there are two of them. The van crashes in the Hudson River and we see that the children are handcuffed to the seats. Detectives Stabler and Munch arrive on the scene just as they are pulling the van out of the river. The two children escaped, but the wounds around their wrists alert the detectives that the children had been handcuffed. The kids won't talk to anyone...at first. Dani Beck is on the scene and soon becomes the little white girl's BFF. When Detective Stabler sees Dani's rapport with the victim, he has to think about baseball to prevent himself from sporting wood.

Welcome to Recapist! I hope all of my many admirers from Pop Culture Junkies have made it, and if you stumbled upon this site because you were looking for a summary of last night’s Law & Order: SVU with a sprinkling of inappropriate rape humor, then you are in luck. Get live with the forums and participate in this site. Just don’t be too good or you may take my job. Seriously, don’t be trying to prove that you are better than me.

A couple is walking upstairs in their house when they realize that young Zoë is at the park. They get excited about the prospect of being home alone so that they can do a little dance...make a little love, etc., but the ultimate mood-killer is found: a dead girl in their bed. Dr. Melinda Warner updates Detective Elliot Stabler and Detective Olivia Benson. The girl suffocated and she plans on doing a rape kit because semen was found on the mattress of the bed where the body was found. At the lab, Dr. Warner explains that the girl suffocated to death. She drank too much and asphyxiated on her own vomit. She drank herself to death. She was not raped; the semen on the mattress belonged to the homeowner. Yikes, I hope they never find a dead body in my sock drawer or they will think that the world's largest gang-bang took place in my closet. Detectives Stabler and Benson interview the cleanliness-challenged homeowners about the identity of the girl. The homeowners state that they have never seen her before, but they are positive that she didn't get the booze from them. The husband admits to being a recovering alcoholic with three years of sobriety but, luckily for us viewers, Stabler interrupts him before he gets too preachy and self-congratulatory to find out who else may have had a house key.

A man is found dead outside of a church. He is naked and his eyes had been ripped out. As if that weren't enough, he had also been sodomized and gagged with a bag of methamphetamine pills. One can only wonder in what order these things happened, but I am guessing that he was naked and gagging on the pills and whoever was giving him the Heimlich maneuver got a little carried away and accidentally slipped in the back door and then thrust so hard that he popped the poor guy's eyes out. Of course, this is why I am not a detective. Turns out his eyes were eaten posthumously by the black crows hanging out in the graveyard (literally the birds not the hippie stoner-rock band).

The bag of meth pills lead the detectives to think that this may have been some sort of drug deal gone bad, but a run of the victim's DNA through the super-computer doesn't turn up anything. Captain Donald Cragen suggests that they set up a sting and try to lure the killer/rapist back to finish the job. The detectives Photoshop the crime scene photo to make it look like Oedipus himself is still alive and in a coma and they publish the hospital where he is supposedly recovering. Then, Detectives Elliot Stabler and Olivia Benson go undercover and wait...