The show opens with Detective Elliot Stabler and his family at church. His daughters openly show their anger toward their father, while his son is an altar boy who proudly waves to his father after the ceremony. You would think that a man who makes his living by investigating sex crimes would know better than to let his son be an altar boy in a Catholic Church, but apparently “parenting" isn't one of Stabler's strong points. At the end of the service, Father Dennis asks to Stabler to speak with a dying man, who is staying at his hospice, the Haven House. The priest thinks the man has something he wants to confess.

Detective Stabler goes to the Haven House to interview the dying man. The man is Judson Tierney, played by Brian Dennehy, who is in his final days of a losing battle with lung cancer. Unfortunately, there are no miraculous healing cocoons at the Haven House, but there is plenty of morphine, which is just as fun and is also covered by his health insurance. Judson Tierney says he does have something to confess and promises to reveal everything if Stabler can get his daughter to visit him. Stabler is intrigued and resists asking Tierney, “Do I look like the Make-A-Wish Foundation?" By the way, the Make-A-Wish foundation is a fraud because they denied my wish to hunt baby panda bears with Ted Nugent on the grounds that chlamydia is not a terminal disease and that I am not a needy child. Really? Because just about every girlfriend I have ever had would testify that I am.

The show opens with two teenagers that are about lose their virginity in Central Park. Just as the young man is about to finally seal the deal and subsequently lose all interest in his girlfriend, a dog runs up barking and cockblocks him. “What's that Lassie? A woman has been raped and left gasping for breath just a few steps away? Good girl..." The young girl, her boyfriend, and his blue balls run to see what the dog was barking about and indeed find a woman struggling for breath and a man in a trenchcoat running away. They ask her if she has been raped and she nods before passing out.

Aaahhhh....this really took me back to my “first time". She was a uni-browed Carney who taught me the mysterious joys of lovemaking on top of a majestic heap of bagged cotton candy and at the peak of my ecstasy she finished me off by sticking a caramel apple up my butt. I still get a feeling of deep desire and romance every year when they start setting up the Farris Wheel. But I won't bore you with the same old story of growing into manhood and trying to scrub caramel out of your ass.

Two men drunkenly get off a party boat and one wanders off to relieve himself off the dock. As he looks down he spots a young dead girl. Detective Elliot Stabler, Detective Dani Beck and Doctor Melinda Warner arrive on the scene to inspect the body. All three of them notice that the girl is incredibly young and the Doctor points out that she was most likely killed two weeks ago and that the cold water kept the body from decomposing. She offhandedly remarks, “another one raped, beaten, and thrown out like garbage."

Another one?

Back at the county morgue, Doctor Warner shows Detective Stabler and Detective Beck her dead, underage-hooker collection. It turns out that this is the third young female victim sporting a paw print tattoo on her lower back to be dumped in the river. The detectives decide that the tattoo must somehow be a link between the victims, but by this theory there must be a link to all the sorority type girls sporting lower-back tribal tattoos that I see at parties. Oh wait, there is. They're hookers too.

The episode begins with Detective Elliot Stabler being questioned by a faceless female interviewer about the conduct of Detective Olivia Benson. As Detective Stabler begins to ramble on about what a great,ethical person she is, the show flashes back to Olivia doing her best Peeping Tom impression outside of a family's apartment. She puts down her binoculars and moves in closer but is apprehended by two men. Detective Stabler, who was apparently also doing some stakeout work of his own on his partner, moves in with his gun drawn. The two men draw guns and everyone is staring at each other with their guns drawn like a good, old-fashioned Mexican standoff. The unknown men identify themselves as police officers. This Old West-style showdown ends with the unknown cops bragging that they have jurisdiction and they end the scene by taking Olivia and Elliott “downtown." Turns out, they were in New Jersey, of all places, and they don't take kindly to strangers in them parts.

Detective Olivia is interrogated by the New Jersey police and the young, sexy Captain Millsfield asks them what their interest is in Simon Morriston. Olivia decides that she has the right to remain silent and the lovely Captin Millsfield lets them go after reporting their actions to Donald Cragen. We know that Simon Morriston is the half-brother that Olivia tracked down through the DNA sweep in last week's episode, but we don't know why the New Jersey cops get to work for a young, hot brunette and the New York cops get stuck with the bald, cranky Donald Cragen. Point 1 for New Jersey. All this and still no one has been raped or molested yet.

During an intermission from a lively game of charades, Laura Kozlowski goes to check up on her two month-old baby, Kendall. She walks into the baby's room and sees the window leading to the fire escape open and an empty baby crib.

Dun Dun...

Detective Elliot Stabler from the Special Victims Unit arrives on the scene and interviews Laura Kozlowski for more information. Baby Kendall is so young that Detective Stabler rules out the possibility that she sneaked out to drink Boone's Farm wine with some smooth-talking four-month old boy (twice her age!). Laura immediately tells Detective Stabler that she knows who kidnapped the boy so he invites her to discuss the matter “somewhere more comfortable" and they end up in the interrogation room of the police station.

It is here that Laura accuses her estranged soon-to-be-ex-husband, Dan Kozlowski, of the kidnapping. Dan Kozlowski is a drunk and a compulsive gambler with money problems. Laura doesn't mention it, but it wouldn't surprise me if he also played rugby, wrote TV recaps for a website and that his last name rhymed with “Cornbeck."

Sidney Turex walks his young son, Tommy, home after a night out. Young Tommy Turex asks his father to stay the night, but as his father is barely eeking out some sort of deadbeat-dad type of excuse, he is hit from behind with a large object and Tommy runs. Tommy makes it to the elevator of the penthouse and hits the alarm.

Da dum, dum dum dum da dum...and you know the drill.

Captain Donald Cragen briefs the Detectives of the Special Victims Unit. Sidney Turex is in the hospital recovering from the head injury. His wife was raped and then killed in her bedroom--both with a candlestick. Surprisingly, due to the nature of the crime, none of the detectives offers to haul Professor Plum or Colonel Mustard into the station and jack them up about their whereabouts the night before. It would have been my first move, and I would have dragged Ms Scarlet in too because I don't trust that bitch.

Fans of Professional Wrestling were treated to a special appearance in the opening scene of Law & Order: SVU this week. Bill Goldberg stepped outside of his normal role as a brute, over-top-wrestler who routinely gets hit in the head with folding chairs and throws other wrestlers outside of the ring to portray Cupid, a brute, over-the-top PCP user who was hit in the head with a fire extinguisher and threw Detective Stabler through a pane of glass. Yes, Cupid really puts the “angel" in angel-dust. Luckily, Detective Fin (borrowing a move from professional wrestling) hit Cupid from behind with a folding chair to stop the attack. During the melee, Cupid knocked out a teenager who looked suspiciously out of place cruising the halls of the police station with an envelope addressed to the Special Victims Unit.