“Kalends”? Isn’t Kalends one of Kevin Federline’s kids with erstwhile paramour Shar Jackson? He’s not? Oh. Okay.

We know that, going into this episode, Caesar is going to get shived like a prison bitch on Oz. We also know that the true parentage of Vorenus’s “grandson” will finally get its day as a MAJOR PLOT POINT, and that things will most likely not end well for anybody whose name ends with an “a” or an “us”. Or an “e”.

I feel compelled to avoid a longish blow-by-blow in favor of bullet points. Which, for those of you who work in an office and have seen more than your fair share of PowerPoint presentations, should find familiar (if not particularly satisfying).

"Kalends"? Isn't Kalends one of Kevin Federline's kids with erstwhile paramour Shar Jackson? He's not? Oh. Okay.

We know that, going into this episode, Caesar is going to get shived like a prison bitch on Oz. We also know that the true parentage of Vorenus's "grandson" will finally get its day as a MAJOR PLOT POINT, and that things will most likely not end well for anybody whose name ends with an "a" or an "us". Or an "e".

Only one episode remains of this season, and I can’t imagine how the finale can possibly top events such as Caesar and Brutus finally having it out over Brutus’s supposed betrayal and subsequent banishment to Macedonia; Pullo doing his first job for Erastes and getting sentenced to death after he is caught; Lucius making an old army friend an offer he cannot refuse, Niobe in a hideous frock, and Atia and Marc Antony getting back together (I think), Rome’s worst lawyer, and all sorts of inventive ways you can kill people with nothing more than a shield and that certain something we call pluck.

If this recap is missing, well, a recap of what actually happened, I believe I can be forgiven. HBO will be showing a marathon of the entire season this Friday night before Sunday’s finale, so you can see for yourselves all the bull-killing, the fighting, and the fucking you missed the first time around. Below, a few key highlights:

Only one episode remains of this season, and I can't imagine how the finale can possibly top events such as Caesar and Brutus finally having it out over Brutus's supposed betrayal and subsequent banishment to Macedonia; Pullo doing his first job for Erastes and getting sentenced to death after he is caught; Lucius making an old army friend an offer he cannot refuse, Niobe in a hideous frock, and Atia and Marc Antony getting back together (I think), Rome's worst lawyer, and all sorts of inventive ways you can kill people with nothing more than a shield and that certain something we call pluck.

Caesar has finally moved on from playing a god to thinking he is a god. This week on Rome finds him planning a triumph, a parade to celebrate his elevation to Imperator by the Senate. He tells his senators that they can build “a new Rome, a Rome that offers justice, peace, and land to all its citizens, not just the priveleged few.” He is quick to point out, though, should anyone not join him, “Rome will not forgive you a second time.” Somewhere in the shadows, Brutus and Cicero mutter “That’s for damn sure.”

Atia visits a still-shaken Servilia, rocking an Erykah Badu-like headwrap since the attack on her in the street. While their bitches servants totally give each other the hairy eyeball, Atia asks Servilia to be her date to the prom triumph. So what — now that Servilia and Octavia are over, Atia and Servilia are gonna go at it? Sorry, I guess my overactive imagination is running wild at the total lack of fucking lurve in this week’s episode. Servilia declines the invite, pleading illness, though I think we can safely say that it won’t be long before she starts stewing again. A quick aside: is it any accident that Atia’s woman (whose name I have not bothered to memorize, obviously) looks like the Devil as depicted in The Jesus Chainsaw Massacre^* The Passion of The Christ? I’m just saying.

Caesar has finally moved on from playing a god to thinking he is a god. This week on Rome finds him planning a triumph, a parade to celebrate his elevation to Imperator by the Senate. He tells his senators that they can build "a new Rome, a Rome that offers justice, peace, and land to all its citizens, not just the priveleged few." He is quick to point out, though, should anyone not join him, "Rome will not forgive you a second time." Somewhere in the shadows, Brutus and Cicero mutter "That's for damn sure."

Rome is many things, but subtle is not one of them. This came to mind as I sat watching Octavia, at the behest of Servilia, seduce her brother Octavian into telling her the truth of Caesar’s great affliction. I knew that, as they fumbled about on his bed, there was no way in Hades he was telling her anything about Caesar’s epilepsy. But did she know? As Whitney would say, “Hell to the no!”

Rome is many things, but subtle is not one of them. This came to mind as I sat watching Octavia, at the behest of Servilia, seduce her brother Octavian into telling her the truth of Caesar's great affliction. I knew that, as they fumbled about on his bed, there was no way in Hades he was telling her anything about Caesar's epilepsy. But did she know? As Whitney would say, "Hell to the no!"

I'm gonna do a stream-of-consciousness thing for this week's recap of Rome because, well, I can, and I'm all about brevity.

Cleopatra: She's cute, but doesn't she remind you just a little bit of Ashley Simpson? I know I kept expecting her to burst into "Pieces of Me" between puffs of opium.

Yeah, so I know I shouldn't be surprised that this week's episode of Rome had Caesar winning at Pharsalus even though he was profoundly outnumbered by Pompey's armies. Also, no shock in Titus Pullo and Lucius Vorenus surviving the storm to return to Caesar's loving bosom, but only after sailing the seas in the grossest raft ever and finding Pompey, only to allow him to continue to flee. Of course Papa Julius was majorly PO'd that Lucius permitted Pompey to scamper off to Egypt. And Pompey's unfortunate demise on North African shores? Big whoop, I say sarcastically.