While we haven't had much from the Torchwood part of the Whoniverse for a long time, we're all gearing up for he mini season 3, which will air in the UK next week.

In preparation for that, I'm posting the links to the few Torchwood items I've been able to post -- but I'm seriously looking forward to "Children of Earth" and all the Janto-ness that will come with it (pun intended).

Captain Jack Harkness, Torchwood.
Gwen Cooper, we catch aliens.
Ianto Jones, we need to catch this one before –

Recapper’s Note:  Since there aren’t any screencaps for this, I got creative.  You were warned. I have way too much time on my hands.

Hey look!  It’s a little taste of Torchwood to give us a reprieve in the long span between the ending of series 2 and the start of (mini) series 3!  Unlike its parent show, which gets things like Christmas specials and TV movies to pass the time, the spinoff gets a radio drama.  At least it aired on a day appropriate for what we’ve come to expect from our now 2/5ths diminished Team Torchwood.

If you’re seeing this, I guess it means I’m, well, dead. Hope it was impressive, not crossing the road or an incident with a toaster. I just wanted to say, it’s okay. It really is. Jack, you saved me, showed me all the wonders of the universe, all those possibilities and I wouldn’t have missed it for the world. Thank you. And Owen, you never knew. I love you, all of you and I hope I did good.

So, we begin with what will be our last original Team Torchwood strut opening and a recap of last week’s episode. I think some kind editor is giving us time to make sure we have the necessities for this episode – a lot of alcohol and a lot of tissues. Believe me; I needed both to get through this.

So we are right back where we started.

I don't exist and for a man with my charisma, that's quite an achievement.

Well, we had to know one was coming. In the penultimate episode of series two, we get the “how they joined Torchwood” backstory. On that premise alone, I’m already happy as it can’t be another Gwen-based storyline as we’ve been there and done that. Plus, there have been rumours flying around for months of Ianto in jeans. I’m a simple girl and it doesn’t take much to make me happy.

Now, we’ve got to set up the premise that allows the stories to be told. Let’s go with the simplest idea; mortal peril always works whether it is for drama or science fiction. So what is the mortal peril for Torchwood? The team’s been called out to an abandoned building because of some strange alien life readings. Oh, Team Torchwood, haven’t we had this discussion about going after things when you don’t know what the energy signature means? Did you learn nothing over the last two series?

I guess when it comes to good sense, or driving the TT-SUV and doing the Torchwood strut, the driving and looking sexy always wins.

You’ve got a face like a slapped ass.

Is it possible to ever get tired of Gwen being the butt of a joke?

Before I begin, I have to say thank you to my BFF Travellingone for taking over the snarking duties last week. I’d also like to thank her for her wish at the end of the recap. It’s almost like she knew what was coming! OMG, she’s psychic! It's important to give credit where credit is due. And she might actually tell everyone what was on that list I sent her last week, if I don't. Umm, yeah. What list? Really!

Hi, I’m Travellingone, Theoriginalspy’s best friend. I’m the one who commented on Martha’s eyebrows , made Ianto a Canadian , and who still hates Spy for dragging her into a new fandom.

Dragged screaming, but if you know Torchwood, then you know screaming is perfectly fine and more often than not expected.

Spy is off bettering herself through knowledge (aka she has a paper to complete) so she left me in charge. I can play with the characters how ever I want. Dance, monkeys, dance - No, wait, I meant strip Janto, Janto, strip!

This week is ‘From Out of the Rain’ – which, considering UK weather, is not just a title, but a suggestion to the good residents.

So let’s begin. Jack says his thing, insist we all be ready… and we go into the teaser.

We can tell it’s set in the past because oh look, someone raided the BBC costume archives. Isn’t it nice how they’re conjuring up the olden days by working in the middle of nowhere to avoid things like, oh, I don’t know – infrastructure?

The locals have decided to visit the travelling show. We hear the creepy voice of the ringmaster telling us all to come stare at the strongman, the clowns, etc. We don’t see them, but you know there’s a bearded lady and sword swallower somewhere.

We pan over and see a pretty young woman complete with adorable little girl. To contrast with and emphasize the sweetness and adorability, we next get a look at the ringmaster (complete with top hat), and added to the creepy vocal overtones is the appearance of a mustache. I will now use adjectives to describe it:

• Cheesy
• Pornstache
• Over-waxed
• Pointy
• Stuck on

He hands the little girl a ticket as he continues his spiel. She’s obviously well-brought up because she looks to the woman first. She gives tacit permission and the little girl is encouraged by the ringmaster’s intimate, “We’re waiting for you.” The little girl takes the ticket, but only after considering the possible ramifications of accepting a free gift from a creepy stranger with a multiple-adjective mustache.

Nope, she was just shy. But she takes the ticket and hops off to the circus tent. The woman is immediately distracted by a random shriek in the darkness and when she turns back, she’s alone in a dark, empty field complete with mist.

Cue Techno credits

Aerial view of Cardiff at night. We see a hand working on a film projector, the precursor to You Tube. The hand is attached to a young film fan who is fascinated by scenes of a by-gone era. Interspersed with film buff are scenes of Jack as he moves around the hub fixing coffee and stopping to listening to random pipe organ music.

Film buff continues to watch film strips but they’re interrupted by ringmaster encouraging his viewers to step inside. Film buff decides that’s not on and goes to edit the film and by edit I mean manually cut it. Ringmaster’s not happy and blows the window open (look, it’s raining!) so he can put himself back on screen. Film buff closes the windows then swallows deeply as he realizes the ringmaster is still beckoning but the film has run out.

Another aerial view of Cardiff – are we back in season 1? Dear directors, you’ve established that Cardiff is dark, sexy and riddled with aliens. Stop with the aerial shots!

It’s Tosh! Yay!

Tosh walks down the stairs to continue working on something that needs a Petri dish. She’s greeted by Jack who’s wearing his best man trap/bait/Ianto-luring outfit of shirt that highlights his eyes plus waistcoat. He’s also got his hands shoved in his pockets so we/Ianto/random aliens can admire the curve of his ass.

Jack: What is it with you? Ever since Owen died all you do is agree with him!
Ianto: I was brought up never to speak ill of the dead even if they still do most of their talking for themselves.

After last week’s Zombie!Owen fest and having to say goodbye to the painfully underused Martha, this week we have something to celebrate, Gwen and Rhys’s wedding! Get out the confetti and prepare a toast as we’re getting everything from evil parasitic ovum to wedding fairies! All of this without even one drop to drink!

Come to think of it, you may need that drink too.

We begin with a flashback to the rekindling of the Jack/Gwen sexual tension. Please, I didn’t need any reminders thanks. I know she still fancies Jack and vice versa. The problem is that I like Rhys too much now to be nothing but offended on his behalf.

We actually begin at Gwen’s hen night. It’s everything I hate about hen nights. It involves tacky hats, strippers, demeaning jokes about the size of certain things and getting shit-faced the night before the wedding. Personally, I’m of the belief that if all you want to do the day before you get married is look at another person naked, while downing more alcohol than a Tequila worm, perhaps marriage isn’t really the best idea.

Warning: Before you read any further, there will be no resolution to the Zombie!Owen predicatment any time in the near future. Please do not take out your frustration over these events by throwing things at your computers screen. It’s not good for the computer screen. Also, I’m just the messenger. If I were in charge, the zombifictation of Owen Harper would be retconned out of existence and not Team Torchwood’s version of Retcon either.

My name is Doctor Owen Harper and this is my life. A life that was full of action and violence and work, wonder, secrets, sex and love and heartbreak and death, my death, the death I survived, the death I am now living through except, this isn’t living. Everyday is the same. I get up; get ready for work, same as everyone else. The thing is, I’m not the same. I get to work and everyone’s doing the same old thing, babbling away about aliens, weddings. I’m not real. Three days ago, I died and they think I’m fine. But they’re wrong.

Well, after a montage reminding us that Owen used alien pheromones for sex, fell in love with Diane, had a really big gun and died two episodes ago, interspersed with shots of Zombie!Owen standing in some random spot in Cardiff then taking a dip in Cardiff Bay and screaming underwater, there’s only one way to describe his opening monologue.

The time is 21:30. This is Doctor Martha Jones. Autopsy on Owen Harper, Caucasian, age 27, Torchwood officer 565. Time of death witnessed approximately 20:30. Autopsy begins.

Out of all the statement made in Martha’s opening statement, which one is clearly the most unbelievable?

Now the entire team is watching the autopsy and somehow, I don’t think that ever made it into any “team building” manual. Moments before Martha is about to cut into the dead Harper (isn’t that the name of some punk band somewhere?) Jack rushes in demanding to know who altered Owen’s personnel file to make him about seven years younger than he really is.

Martha: So am I right in thinking that you and he –
Ianto: We, dabble….
…Martha: So what’s his dabbling like?
Ianto: Innovative.
Martha: Really?
Ianto: Bordering on the avant garde.

For this episode of Torchwood, I’ve invented a drinking game. There are only two rules:
1) For every explicit reference to events from Doctor Who, take one drink. Every shot of Martha counts if you want it to.
2) For every other subtle reference, and / or prop placement from Doctor Who, take two drinks.
Based on these rules, even I’ll be completely plastered by the end of this recap and I’m not even a drinker by nature. I’ll try to keep a tally as this goes on, but I may miss a few. Feel free to widely interpret the second rule, if time (and liver) permits.

The episode begins with Team Torchwood out Weevil-hunting. It’s got to be almost a good day when Weevil-hunting is the only thing on the to-do list. Of course, instead of catching the Weevil (and all of them are named “Janet” in my head) they find a corpse.

Now we’re at the Hub and I hope you have your shot glass at the ready.