So it's true that cycling can be bad for your balls

You'd think by now Alan would have grown a pair and become a man. But no. He lives with Charlie, a brother who not only makes fun of him, but also flaunts his knack for getting women in bed on the first date. Meanwhile, Alan continues to get castrated by his ex-wife, Judith, every time he picks up/drops off Jake. Alan is a crisis begging for a Dr. Phil-sized intervention.

Alan and Charlie's mom, Evelyn, is marrying Mr. Hart Teddy. At their engagement party, Alan and Charlie are brainstorming excuses to leave early. Jake volunteers to gorge on shrimp until he pukes. Alan rejects the idea, claiming he's better at faking things since his ex-wife did it so many times. Migraines, orgasms. While the guys are trying to decide how to ditch, Teddy's hot daughter, Courtney (Jenny McCarthy) arrives at the party. Suddenly, leaving early isn't such a good idea. She and Evelyn enjoy a lively exchange in which Courtney tells Evelyn she shouldn't have assumed she wasn't coming, because you know what they say..."When you assume, you're just a bitch." Well, that settles it. The guys hafta stay!

Wait, so I'm still the bigger loser even though you sing about boobies in a Waffle guy shirt?It just gets worse for Alan. If it weren't bad enough that he's mooching off his skanky brother, now he has to watch that same skanky brother hit it big in the children's music market. That's right - Charlie has entered the children's market as "Charlie Waffles," a singing cross between Gilligan from "Gilligan's Island" and Spicoli from "Fast Times at Ridgemont High." His repertoire includes "Don't Shake the Baby," "Grandma May Smell Funny," and "Bye Bye Boobies." If this episode aired just a year ago, "Bye Bye Boobies" would be especially poignant for the real-life Charlie.

The men are bitching around the house like two old ladies at bingo. It's nice to know cast-off scripts from Golden Girls episodes have found a home in this show. All it needs now is a confused Betty White and an angry Bea Arthur. Then again, Jon Cryer's close enough. Anyway, Alan wants to leave some inlaid mosaic bowl around the house. Charlie hates it. Alan complains that nothing in the house reflects his taste. Charlie points to a lamp Alan bought that he hates. Charlie also hates the way Alan reupholstered the couch. Alan asks him whether he misses the stains. Charlie snaps that every one of those stains has a story behind them. 

The sweet sounds of puberty in the morning and a Bucket of HateWell, Jake's at that age, where he just wants to sit and listen to angry rock bands like a Bucket of Hate and defy his dad. At breakfast, he shares his musical taste with Alan, who finds it fascinating that the band has found several rhymes for "suicide," prompting Jake to ask what "patricide" means. Alan, not missing a beat, replies that it means to honor your father. Honoring his dad is suddenly the last thing on Jake's mind when his dad doesn't give him permission to go to the Bucket of Hate concert with Rocco Freedman. Funny, I would think a guy with a porn name like that would pique Alan's interest... No, no, that's Charlie. My bad.

At one point in this week's episode, Jake the 1/2-Man starts an AWESOMELY funny play on words, including Santa Bar-bra, Alge-bra and Ass-ignments. Boobs and butts are SO funny! Every day I wake up and have myself a good ol' laugh at my boobs' and butt's expense. Still, Jake's juvenile jokes don't impress his dad, Alan, or his pervy Uncle Charlie, who merely stare at him in silence. "Not my audience," said Jake, before walking away.

Yummy and moist is how you’d describe a great cupcake, not an intelligent woman. And yet, those were Charlie Sheen’s best lines in this week’s episode. That’s right, kids – Sheen’s Ew Factor just keeps on rising.

Before I get into the latest development – Charlie actually dates a woman who doesn’t make him look like the seedy middle-aged guy he is– I need to get this off my chest: “The Joy Luck Club” is among my favorite movies. It was one of the first films where I saw Asian American women as American women, and not foreign objects of desire. My hope was that it would school U.S. men so that they would no longer view us as the giggling yellow-skinned girls who walked kinda funny and loved Hello Kitty.

Lemme just preface this by saying this show is like a really hot guy who screws the whole thing up the moment he opens his mouth.

There's just something about Charlie Sheen. Don't get me wrong. I can still appreciate the guy's romance novel looks... It's just that the show so turns on the fact that he's a walking Trojan ad.

The whole thing makes me feel dirty. Not in the fun-bad-girl way, but in the yuck-I-need-to-scrub-with-a-Brillo-pad way.

This episode should've been called "Balls, Balls and More Balls." That's really what it all came down to... Charlie's balls are itchy, Alan needs to grow a pair, and Jake, the Half Man, apparently has yet to experience the big drop. 

After a full summer of Denise Hates Charlie, Charllie Sheen returns for the fifth season with "Two and Half Men." It's funny that after all this time the most successful relationship Sheen has ever had is with Duckie from "Pretty in Pink."