Glad he's headed to LA with Addison Montgomery Shepherd...

I hate to get into the blame game, but the California wildfires effed up this recap for me. There I am, enjoying the Gilmore Girls, when KTLA's Hal Fishman breaks through the estrogen-infused banter with word that Griffith Park is aflame. Bummer, but come on, surely he can't talk through Veronica Mars. That'd be over an hour of filling space while showing a fire that might (but fyi, didn't, which is why I can be a bitch about it) burn the Observatory and surrounding neighborhoods.

Wrong, wrong, wrong!Prepare yourselves Martians, for I am taking you into uncharted waters: a Veronica Mars recap written entirely from memory (gasp!). I know, it's nuts, but the thing is, I spend SO much time in front of a computer that I just couldn't bring myself to sit behind one while watching my absolute favorite show.

As your resident Martian, I am distressed to report that the future of Veronica Mars is very much in doubt for next season. Will it be cancelled? Will it be re-worked to follow a years in the future FBI Veronica? And if so, what happens to Keith, Logan, Wallace, Mac and the gang?

Tonight is bittersweet for us Martians. On one hand, it's sure to be a jam-packed mystery-reveal episode of awesomeness, but on the other, it's the last one until May. May! Dear God! Will TV even exist in May? I shudder to think.

Veronica is in Criminology doing the awkward "do I sit up front near the Professor my Dad is investigating for murder, or in the back thus declaring his guilt" dance when Landry approaches her. He wants her to sit up front. She's the best student he's ever had, and Papa Mars or not, he won't miss out on mentoring her.

Speak of the devil, Keith "call me Sheriff" Mars is busy questioning Mindy down at his new Neptune-appointed digs. She doesn't understand what the big deal is: Steve Batando (her ex), had motive, was mentally unstable, and left prints all over the Dean's computer. A frustrated Keith illuminates "the big deal" for her: "Goodbye Cruel World" requires 11 letters, why did Batando get his prints on all of them? And if he used gloves, why did he take them off to type? Further, Mindy said she and Hank were alone in the Neptune Grand, but someone heard two men fighting in her room at midnight. She said she didn't go anywhere, but she checked her car out between 1:30 and 2:30, a half an hour after which the Dean was shot. The tox report showed a large amount of Xanax in his system, but his prescription had run out and it was Mindy who had picked the new one up. She said she called Hank during that time to ask him about toothpaste, but that too looks like a lie.

For those who weren't sure: that was one hell of an embedded recap by the new Sheriff.

Okay, let me start by saying that this was an awesome episode of Veronica Mars, and if you are reading this recap instead of having seen it, you should commence weeping now. Sorry, but it's the truth. That said, let's see if I can't do "Mars, Bars" some justice. I'm trying a different style this week, breaking the recap up into nice, easily digestable storylines because dear God, Veronica Mars is dense (thanks to our resident Friday Night Lights maven for the inspiration). We'll begin with the big'un...

Who Killed Dean O'Dell?: Keith interviews Dean O'Dell's assistant, who says that Hearst donor/douchebag extroardinaire Mel Stoltz paid the Dean a visit the day he died. Also, Cyrus was out of Xanax and didn't have time to pick up his prescription, sending Mindy to get it instead. Because Xanax was found in the Dean's tox report, she must have been at the college that night. This convinces Keith that he should finally report his suspicions about the Dean's widow to Sheriff Lamb. As per usual, Lamb is resistant, but he agrees to dust the Dean's belongings for prints.

Hooray Veronica Mars fans, Wallace Fennel is back. He's being yelled at by crazy-eyed Coach Barry, but he's back. It's halftime and the Hearst basketball team is struggling. Coach Barry is laying into the guys, especially his son, who skillfully replies to the criticism with a swift "back off Dad, I'm Josh and I'm outta heeeere". The next day in parent-child communicationville, Keith Mars guilts Veronica into helping him at the office with some breakfast. Vee saunters in making some characteristically sarcastic statements when she sees Keith has some new clients: Josh and Mama Barry. The coach has been murdered, and Josh is the prime suspect.

A long time ago, we used to be friends...and a long time ago, this opening sequence was way better. I like the new visuals, but what is with this sluggish version of the song? It remains the only blemish on the beauty that is this show. Rarr.

Speaking of beauty, Logan Echolls is moping in his hotel room, surrounded by room service carts. Roommate Dick comes home and lures him out onto the balcony so the staff can come in and reclaim their salt and pepper shakers. Dick breaks the news that their Econ prof is about to flunk Logan for his absences and, of course, that he's got a hot date lined up for later that night. Logan can double with his date's sister, because the Casablancas prescribed remedy for "pathetic sad sackery" is clearly "hot sister".

Is there anything more satisfying than a new episode of Veronica Mars? Don't answer that. It was purely rhetorical. I will hear nothing otherwise.

Phew. Glad we could agree there.

We're smack in the middle of this season's second mystery: who killed Dean O'Dell? Today's cherry on top of that murder/suicide sundae: who secretly aborted Bonnie's baby, and what the eff was Logan thinking, sleeping with Madison Sinclair? Fasten your seatbelts, this is going to be a bumpy recap.

Veronica can't sleep, as visions of Madison and Logan are dancing like sexy sugarplums in her head. Turns out she and Sir Echolls are supposed to be going on a "fancy" date tonight. I'm sure that'll turn out well. Tired Vee drags herself to work at the Hearst Library where Bonnie (of dating Dick Casablancas and TA Tim fame) approaches her with a new case. It turns out she was pregnant, until someone slipped her an RU-486, causing her to lose the baby. She wants Veronica to figure out who done it. The immediate suspect pool: Dick, Tim, and Bonnie's religious parents (who actually sent her congrats upon hearing the news).

First the TV dish...:

Upfronts Week continues as CBS kills good taste just a little more. It's sad when someone like me, who's all-too-quick to lower his standards to catch that juicy rerun of The Parkers won't even acknowledge the existence of CBS. But moreover, it's torture waiting for Thursday to get here already (for The CW upfront, duh!), even though we know that:

• Veronica Mars has been granted a new, if conditional-on-ratings, lease on life. 22 episodes, however if ratings don't become sunnier, the show will be axed by the thirteenth episode, if not sooner.
• Everwood is officially dead. Wield your torches, fans.
• While 7th Heaven and One Tree Hill live on. One has to wonder if the extended life of these two shows was the trade-off for more Veronica and no Everwood.

  source: The Ausiello Report

Now the kitsch dish...:

Speaking of family disturbances, Paul McCartney and now ex-wife Heather Mills have finally made the separation legal. Tear.

Continuing on about family disturbances, Britney Spears is soooooooooo cute.

Mariah's really milking The Emancipation of Mimi for all its worth. You can watch the new video for "Say Something" here.

This is disturbing. Not the viewing habits of Boston Legal stars, but that David E. Kelley has children.

First it was Madonna and Britney. Then two seconds later, it was Madonna and Xtina. And then a few years later it was Dannii Minogue and some random stripper. Now, Kate Moss joins the ranks of lip-locking "momentary lesbians." Oh wait, like all the other women, this too was a publicity stunt (but with a heart of gold.) It was for charity. Heath Ledger eat your heart out -- Kate Moss has totally outdone you in everything gay-for-pay.

Three months. That's the time I'm predicting Nicole Kidman to stay married to country singer Keith Urban. She's always been all about outperforming Renée Zellweger.

Oh and what good celeb news dump would be complete without a report from the Lohan Brawl Squad? Seems that Lindsay and That '70s Show star Christopher Masterson are in a fight.

P.S. The fine folks from Subject2Discussion had me as their guest yesterday. You can hear me stutter a little but chat a lot on the podcast here.